A common trait of a psychopath is that they tortured animals as children. So why the torturing of animals as children but not as adults? I believe that psychopaths start hurting animals because they are studying how the animal reacts to pain. It is a developmental stage taken to extreme. For example, it is a normal phase for toddlers to bite-they are just coming to separate themselves from others. When a toddler bites another being and the other being yells out in pain then there is a demarcation between beings, the toddler has felt the difference between themselves and the unsuspecting bitten person.
A budding young psychopath takes this stage to the next level and has discovered when torturing animals that there is a pain response. That pain response feeds the psychopath. It is emotional feeding. The power exercised over a helpless animal is just the stimulus reminder of the pain that is to follow. So, yes, they are looking for the control and power of the animal but it is the pain response they are after.
All growed up the psychopath needs a bigger feed. They progress to humans. They start hurting human beings in place of animals. They have learned to position themselves into places of power-think heads of corporations-leaders-people in charge of children- in someway where they have control over people. The control is just the means to the end. The control is to get the pain and the feed. And that is what they are doing. Feeding on the emotions-the pain, despair and misery they inflict. They gobble this up like food for they are starving. Since they only feel shallow emotions, this is the way they feel emotion.
Without emotion you are dead to the world. Emotion is why we do anything we do, for how it makes us feel. Can you imagine not feeling other than anger or shallow resemblances of joy? Dead. They are dead and this is why nothing stops them. They are like zombies-incurable.
One of the few things I remember from grad school is a professor who said "the only good cure for a psychopath is a shotgun". I had no idea at the age of 27 what he meant as I had never considered psychopaths before. I do now.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Once in a lifetime
The venus transit is reported to occur once in a person's lifetime. It comes in pairs-two of them, separated by several years-this is my primitive understanding. I believe I read that the last venus transit was on June 8, 2004 coupled with it's mate June 5-6, 2012.
I don't remember the one in 2004. I do remember that around that time is when I left a 20 year marriage. Twas the hardest thing I had done in my life at that time. Notice I said at that time because I thought that I was done It was so difficult that I couldn't imagine having any more life challenges. It took me a few years to get back on my emotional feet again and then my life spiraled and I do mean spiraled into something in which I am just now freeing myself. Here at the time of the closing of the gates, the 2nd transit.
Note to self next go around: Do not ask for enlightenment before the venus transit....or do, if you really want it. You have to REALLY want it to survive it. And I did want it, with all of my heart and soul, it is what I wanted. It was a call so loud to me that all I could do was follow. And it didn't make sense.
On the day of the transit, June 5, I was juiced up, in good spirits and feeling pretty energetic (which has been rare since the 11-11-11). On June 6, I was feeling extremely floaty or ungrounded and tired. Sleeping most of the day. Then on June 7, I slept the entire day. I went from bed to couch and back to bed. Couldn't move. I was glued prone and I was glued supine, and then on my side, too. It was like a magnet had me. I was transfixed.
It reminded me of the birth of my son. I had an epidural which didn't take all the way. When he came down the birth canal, I could feel it. He got stuck and I couldn't feel enough to push him out. This went on for several hours. I remember thinking "I can't do this, I'm done". He would get partially out and then disappear again. That feeling of total surrender will never leave me. I was baked. The physician was called and he used suction to deliver my son. This is how I felt after the venus transit and knowing the solstice is bearing down on me. I was done, totally.
And then somewhere in the middle of June 8, it all lifted. I got excited, very excited. My energy shifted. I know I can make it, I can do it. This transfiguration is coming to a close with the Solstice. I can only imagine what that will be like but I am pretty sure, I'll survive.
No wonder you only get one venus transit in a lifetime. It really really really sucks. And now it all starts to make sense.
I don't remember the one in 2004. I do remember that around that time is when I left a 20 year marriage. Twas the hardest thing I had done in my life at that time. Notice I said at that time because I thought that I was done It was so difficult that I couldn't imagine having any more life challenges. It took me a few years to get back on my emotional feet again and then my life spiraled and I do mean spiraled into something in which I am just now freeing myself. Here at the time of the closing of the gates, the 2nd transit.
Note to self next go around: Do not ask for enlightenment before the venus transit....or do, if you really want it. You have to REALLY want it to survive it. And I did want it, with all of my heart and soul, it is what I wanted. It was a call so loud to me that all I could do was follow. And it didn't make sense.
On the day of the transit, June 5, I was juiced up, in good spirits and feeling pretty energetic (which has been rare since the 11-11-11). On June 6, I was feeling extremely floaty or ungrounded and tired. Sleeping most of the day. Then on June 7, I slept the entire day. I went from bed to couch and back to bed. Couldn't move. I was glued prone and I was glued supine, and then on my side, too. It was like a magnet had me. I was transfixed.
It reminded me of the birth of my son. I had an epidural which didn't take all the way. When he came down the birth canal, I could feel it. He got stuck and I couldn't feel enough to push him out. This went on for several hours. I remember thinking "I can't do this, I'm done". He would get partially out and then disappear again. That feeling of total surrender will never leave me. I was baked. The physician was called and he used suction to deliver my son. This is how I felt after the venus transit and knowing the solstice is bearing down on me. I was done, totally.
And then somewhere in the middle of June 8, it all lifted. I got excited, very excited. My energy shifted. I know I can make it, I can do it. This transfiguration is coming to a close with the Solstice. I can only imagine what that will be like but I am pretty sure, I'll survive.
No wonder you only get one venus transit in a lifetime. It really really really sucks. And now it all starts to make sense.
Friday, April 13, 2012
PURPOSE
I have been struggling with my purpose ever since my birth. What am I here to do? Is it one particular thing? What is my passion? Do I have a passion? Did I miss out on my passion by making different choices which lead me to "miss" my passion? What brings me joy? Why am I so bored in life? Why do some people know their passion and others do not?
I believe a big part of life is asking the right questions. I also believe that all questions are answered. Kind of like belief in prayers to Christians however this is more defined and does not come from a place of subjugation or pleading for help without owning it. When you ask questions, you are doing your part by honing in on what you want to know. When you know what you want to know then you can more easily direct your thought and action towards it in place of waiting for a miracle or rescue or savior. There is more ownership in the process. Don't get my wrong, I am also subject to those times of desperation and have sent out many a plea of "why hast thou forsaken me?", send help, now.
I remember a girl in high school who knew from the very beginning of time that she wanted to be an airline stewardess. Back then (yes, before the wheel) it was more of a prominent position in society. Anyway, she had a plan and that was to go to college for a couple of years and then apply for the job. Apparently, back then (yes, before dirt) you had a better chance of getting the job if you had some college. Not a degree, mind you, (God forbid a women have a degree and get all feisty) but a couple of years. This girl was a smart girl and in the top of our class. She was beautiful, smart and trim. She took some modeling and ballet for the sake of having it on her resume. I saw her at a high school reunion and she had indeed become an airline stewardess. She was married to a handsome man whom she had met on a flight. It all seemed so perfect to me. This one was never struggling with what she wanted to be in life. She knew. Just knew. I have always remembered her because it was such a contrast to myself. I have never known, never. I have been bumbling around for 49 years (yes, I imagine myself to be a bumbling infant as well) trying to find what the heck I am here to do.
There are other fine examples in this world of people doing what they are born to do. Does that mean we are all born to do something I have wondered? I mean, we are all individuals, billions of us, but all unique so it stands to reason that we all come with different plans. You have to admit, though, that there is nothing like seeing someone in their passion. Just check out Bono or a professional athlete.
Back to me. I have always been able to keep up with just about any school of thought. I understand things quickly and so it was wide open as to having courses of study in which to choose. There were a few exceptions, I know rocket scientist was a definite no as I knew limitations to my intelligence.
I bumbled around in college, first a pre-med student only to find out you had to attend class and those classes were always at 8:00 a.m. and included the lab bonus. I found I really enjoyed the people aspect of college. It wasn't so much the parties but the getting to know people and their various backgrounds. It was always a multi-cultural bonus to me if I was able to befriend someone of a different race. When I say I enjoyed the social aspect of college, which usually defers to getting drunk,it is not what I mean. So I became a psychology major with a minor in theatre. This educational background led to what would be my career of over 15 years in working as a therapist-I was a natural but never really enjoyed it. It did not make me sing "It's A Beautiful Day" while sporting really cool eyewear. I was the best, though at what I did.
I experienced a career change and the next 13 years were spent in the business side of things and then working my way into management. Still, no purpose. Still, no joy. Still, immense boredom. Even in the midst of incredible stress and drama in my life, bored stiff.
Something very interesting has developed in my life. It is unexpected. The one thing I thought I did not want to do seems to be shimmering in the light. All of it, the past of almost 30 years is all starting to come together. I am starting to get some indication of where I am headed and how it all fits. Why it had to be done the way it was done in those different pieces is starting to make sense. Sort of like a piece of artwork, that has several layers to it, or a big ass stupid puzzle that you put together blind and only by feeling the pieces.
I am a little stunned by the whole thing and still uncertain because I feel like there are still pieces missing but enough of it is in place where the picture is starting to emerge. It's a work of art for sure-had it been dogs playing poker, I would have caught on a lot sooner when I saw the dogs faces or cards.
I am excited but at the same time cautious as I don't want to be disappointed. It has been a long haul to get here. What's funny is it is something I have been in resistance to. Hopefully, I'll find out why I filled out the long form when it comes to passion. There has to be a good reason because I filled out that long form and I chose it for a reason. If I know myself, it will be an amazing well planned surprise and well worth it. There has to be a pony in here somewhere, right?
What is it? What is your purpose? that will come in part dos
I believe a big part of life is asking the right questions. I also believe that all questions are answered. Kind of like belief in prayers to Christians however this is more defined and does not come from a place of subjugation or pleading for help without owning it. When you ask questions, you are doing your part by honing in on what you want to know. When you know what you want to know then you can more easily direct your thought and action towards it in place of waiting for a miracle or rescue or savior. There is more ownership in the process. Don't get my wrong, I am also subject to those times of desperation and have sent out many a plea of "why hast thou forsaken me?", send help, now.
I remember a girl in high school who knew from the very beginning of time that she wanted to be an airline stewardess. Back then (yes, before the wheel) it was more of a prominent position in society. Anyway, she had a plan and that was to go to college for a couple of years and then apply for the job. Apparently, back then (yes, before dirt) you had a better chance of getting the job if you had some college. Not a degree, mind you, (God forbid a women have a degree and get all feisty) but a couple of years. This girl was a smart girl and in the top of our class. She was beautiful, smart and trim. She took some modeling and ballet for the sake of having it on her resume. I saw her at a high school reunion and she had indeed become an airline stewardess. She was married to a handsome man whom she had met on a flight. It all seemed so perfect to me. This one was never struggling with what she wanted to be in life. She knew. Just knew. I have always remembered her because it was such a contrast to myself. I have never known, never. I have been bumbling around for 49 years (yes, I imagine myself to be a bumbling infant as well) trying to find what the heck I am here to do.
There are other fine examples in this world of people doing what they are born to do. Does that mean we are all born to do something I have wondered? I mean, we are all individuals, billions of us, but all unique so it stands to reason that we all come with different plans. You have to admit, though, that there is nothing like seeing someone in their passion. Just check out Bono or a professional athlete.
Back to me. I have always been able to keep up with just about any school of thought. I understand things quickly and so it was wide open as to having courses of study in which to choose. There were a few exceptions, I know rocket scientist was a definite no as I knew limitations to my intelligence.
I bumbled around in college, first a pre-med student only to find out you had to attend class and those classes were always at 8:00 a.m. and included the lab bonus. I found I really enjoyed the people aspect of college. It wasn't so much the parties but the getting to know people and their various backgrounds. It was always a multi-cultural bonus to me if I was able to befriend someone of a different race. When I say I enjoyed the social aspect of college, which usually defers to getting drunk,it is not what I mean. So I became a psychology major with a minor in theatre. This educational background led to what would be my career of over 15 years in working as a therapist-I was a natural but never really enjoyed it. It did not make me sing "It's A Beautiful Day" while sporting really cool eyewear. I was the best, though at what I did.
I experienced a career change and the next 13 years were spent in the business side of things and then working my way into management. Still, no purpose. Still, no joy. Still, immense boredom. Even in the midst of incredible stress and drama in my life, bored stiff.
Something very interesting has developed in my life. It is unexpected. The one thing I thought I did not want to do seems to be shimmering in the light. All of it, the past of almost 30 years is all starting to come together. I am starting to get some indication of where I am headed and how it all fits. Why it had to be done the way it was done in those different pieces is starting to make sense. Sort of like a piece of artwork, that has several layers to it, or a big ass stupid puzzle that you put together blind and only by feeling the pieces.
I am a little stunned by the whole thing and still uncertain because I feel like there are still pieces missing but enough of it is in place where the picture is starting to emerge. It's a work of art for sure-had it been dogs playing poker, I would have caught on a lot sooner when I saw the dogs faces or cards.
I am excited but at the same time cautious as I don't want to be disappointed. It has been a long haul to get here. What's funny is it is something I have been in resistance to. Hopefully, I'll find out why I filled out the long form when it comes to passion. There has to be a good reason because I filled out that long form and I chose it for a reason. If I know myself, it will be an amazing well planned surprise and well worth it. There has to be a pony in here somewhere, right?
What is it? What is your purpose? that will come in part dos
Sunday, January 29, 2012
PEACE BE WITH YOU
A facebook friend said Peace be with you, to me, the other day and it had a surprise affect on me. It reminded me of attending Catholic mass. In the mass, almost at the end of it, the priest says "Peace be with you" and the crowd murmurs "and also with you". The priest says something else and then the attendees start shaking each others hands and saying "peace be with you" to one another. First, they handshake the people in their immediate vicinity, sometimes offering a kiss to a loved one. Then, they extend their "peace" to people behind them, in front of and diagonal to them.
I DREADED this in the mass. I wanted to just hide, but oh no, without fail, there they were glad handing you. It felt so awful. On the surface, it would seem that this would be a fun time to extend a good word to your neighbor but it never felt fun to me. Maybe it was just all too fake. Not sure. I just know I hated it, every single time, without fail. The relief I felt when it was over was constant. This also marked the almost end of the service so it meant freedom to me and after suffering through the "peacing" a rush of excitement for the rush to the door insued. My obligation over.
I was baptized catholic as an infant by my biological mother and so the catholics "claimed" me. I was raised by a step grandmother who was not catholic nor espoused any beliefs or practice in religion (none I can remember). I remember attending different denominational churches with friends throughout my childhood and adolescence. I even rode a bus to a baptist church during the grade school years, often times, by myself. I had a draw towards god, I guess. I don't think it was taught to me. It was an inward seeking that I had since I was young. The church did instill fear and guilt as to what was right and wrong and for not attending.
In college I abandoned attending any church. I went on to gain great satisfaction from long distance running. It was a form of meditating for me and I often found great peace in running and a connection to my inner wisdom. Then I learned to meditate with a mantra and loved it. Too much really, for I could spend hours meditating-in which I was probably using it to escape from life.
From meditating to a real soul searching where I started to read and devour many books written on the broader subject of spirituality. This opened up so many doors and I enjoyed my dive into the spiritual arts. It was a grand time and I felt such passion to learn and absorb anything which resonated. It felt wonderful to expand my beliefs and grow in my connection and understanding of Source.
I have a deep connection to Source. I have always had a deep connection to Source. "Something" has always guided me. Having a childhood which was bathed in religion and different denominational churches has given me a unique perspective. I have a understanding of what churches teach. I don't remember who said it but a quote I like is one that said "to be born in a church is good but to die in one is not" - something to that effect.
I cannot believe how many people have not grown out of their church. It is hard for me to understand how grown adults can believe in the devil,hell or sin. They will defend their views until the day they die. They will also kill for their ideals. It's shocking at how closed minded about the subject they are and not questioning any of what they have been taught.
I am not an atheist, but I love them. I love them because they make me think. I love their logic and their questioning. A lot of the questioning is pointed directly at church dogma and I particularly love that part. There is a lot of truth to what they say. Atheists, don't usually, use their non belief in god to affect other peoples lives though. As opposed to christians who try and regulate their belief into everything and anything that isn't any of their business. From homosexuality to prayer in schools, to abortion-just this crusade to cram their beliefs down other people throats. I say live your own life. Leave other people out of it. Clean up your own life. Adopt a child (you won't). Quit being judgemental (no way Jose). Be honest with yourself and quit projecting all of your fears and dark aspects of yourself onto others (that's a good one). You see, that is what spirituality is, taking a good look at yourself, the light and the dark parts and loving yourself. Really loving yourself back together. Diving into my fears, shame, guilt, and judgements has changed me forever. It has been an ever continuing process that has taken me into the depths of my being. Taking responsibility for everything, and I mean everything, no exceptions, in my life-knowing it is there because I chose it is difficult but it is a knowing that it is true to me. And with this knowing, it opens up such possibility.
Not sure why I have chosen the path that I have regarding religion and spirituality. I am certain there is a reason for it that maybe I can be a bridge for people looking for something else. That perhaps they have gone as far as they can in their religion or church and when that crisis happens, and they are looking for something else, something deeper, wider, that I may be of assistance. I don't care one way or the other. I am good with allowing everyone their own god space. I am on no mission. That is so arrogant and judgemental. Those missionaries are the worst. Offering to save people from starvation by giving them food with the small print of cramming their god down starving people's throats. How about just feeding them and giving them medication with no other agenda. Missionaries with this agenda can all go to hell in my book-haha.
I DREADED this in the mass. I wanted to just hide, but oh no, without fail, there they were glad handing you. It felt so awful. On the surface, it would seem that this would be a fun time to extend a good word to your neighbor but it never felt fun to me. Maybe it was just all too fake. Not sure. I just know I hated it, every single time, without fail. The relief I felt when it was over was constant. This also marked the almost end of the service so it meant freedom to me and after suffering through the "peacing" a rush of excitement for the rush to the door insued. My obligation over.
I was baptized catholic as an infant by my biological mother and so the catholics "claimed" me. I was raised by a step grandmother who was not catholic nor espoused any beliefs or practice in religion (none I can remember). I remember attending different denominational churches with friends throughout my childhood and adolescence. I even rode a bus to a baptist church during the grade school years, often times, by myself. I had a draw towards god, I guess. I don't think it was taught to me. It was an inward seeking that I had since I was young. The church did instill fear and guilt as to what was right and wrong and for not attending.
In college I abandoned attending any church. I went on to gain great satisfaction from long distance running. It was a form of meditating for me and I often found great peace in running and a connection to my inner wisdom. Then I learned to meditate with a mantra and loved it. Too much really, for I could spend hours meditating-in which I was probably using it to escape from life.
From meditating to a real soul searching where I started to read and devour many books written on the broader subject of spirituality. This opened up so many doors and I enjoyed my dive into the spiritual arts. It was a grand time and I felt such passion to learn and absorb anything which resonated. It felt wonderful to expand my beliefs and grow in my connection and understanding of Source.
I have a deep connection to Source. I have always had a deep connection to Source. "Something" has always guided me. Having a childhood which was bathed in religion and different denominational churches has given me a unique perspective. I have a understanding of what churches teach. I don't remember who said it but a quote I like is one that said "to be born in a church is good but to die in one is not" - something to that effect.
I cannot believe how many people have not grown out of their church. It is hard for me to understand how grown adults can believe in the devil,hell or sin. They will defend their views until the day they die. They will also kill for their ideals. It's shocking at how closed minded about the subject they are and not questioning any of what they have been taught.
I am not an atheist, but I love them. I love them because they make me think. I love their logic and their questioning. A lot of the questioning is pointed directly at church dogma and I particularly love that part. There is a lot of truth to what they say. Atheists, don't usually, use their non belief in god to affect other peoples lives though. As opposed to christians who try and regulate their belief into everything and anything that isn't any of their business. From homosexuality to prayer in schools, to abortion-just this crusade to cram their beliefs down other people throats. I say live your own life. Leave other people out of it. Clean up your own life. Adopt a child (you won't). Quit being judgemental (no way Jose). Be honest with yourself and quit projecting all of your fears and dark aspects of yourself onto others (that's a good one). You see, that is what spirituality is, taking a good look at yourself, the light and the dark parts and loving yourself. Really loving yourself back together. Diving into my fears, shame, guilt, and judgements has changed me forever. It has been an ever continuing process that has taken me into the depths of my being. Taking responsibility for everything, and I mean everything, no exceptions, in my life-knowing it is there because I chose it is difficult but it is a knowing that it is true to me. And with this knowing, it opens up such possibility.
Not sure why I have chosen the path that I have regarding religion and spirituality. I am certain there is a reason for it that maybe I can be a bridge for people looking for something else. That perhaps they have gone as far as they can in their religion or church and when that crisis happens, and they are looking for something else, something deeper, wider, that I may be of assistance. I don't care one way or the other. I am good with allowing everyone their own god space. I am on no mission. That is so arrogant and judgemental. Those missionaries are the worst. Offering to save people from starvation by giving them food with the small print of cramming their god down starving people's throats. How about just feeding them and giving them medication with no other agenda. Missionaries with this agenda can all go to hell in my book-haha.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Balance-the zero point
Funny, haha funny, how if you pay attention, you will find how things which show up in our outside world are a reflection of what is going on inside of us, emotionally/energetically. Today was one of those ah ha moments where I felt like a real doofus for not seeing it before I did.
I had made an appointment to take my BMW in to have it serviced for I noticed that the sound on the right side of the car speaker was louder than the sound on the left side of the car speaker. Of course I had to read the manual, as I always do on this car, to find out how to manipulate the balance on the speakers. Once located, it was verified that, indeed my left speaker was putting out less sound than the right speaker. The sound in my car was out of balance.
When the ah ha moment occurred, I began to see the balance bar from the sound in the speakers, superimposed over my qualities. Responsibility came up. While this may seem like a good quality to have, it also has its dark side. Being over responsible is just as out of balance as being under responsible. It is even trickier to be over responsible as it seems so "good". While the under responsible are going around shirking their duties and blaming others, it is pretty easy to see. Even for those doing it. Not so easy to see for those of us who are ultra responsible, taking more than our fair share of responsibility. It wasn't like I was lining up asking for more responsibility, I was just always the one left holding the bag.
Patience is another one. Every fiber in my being wants to scream when I hear someone say "patience" as if it is a virtue. I have been patient my entire life. Waiting. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting. When I finally speak up for myself and someone says to be patient, in a condescending tone, I get angry. You see, you can have too much patience. I have a sense that when I was abandoned by my biological mother at the age of one, that she told me she would come back for me. The person who raised me told me that my mother had indeed, said this to her. When do you quit waiting for a promise that you can't remember-a promise that isn't conscious so you don't know that it is there to confront in yourself? I waited 45 years and didn't even know I was waiting. So don't tell me to be patient.
This belief has to go. There is a balance to patience. There is a balance to responsibility. There is a balance to everything. All qualities are neutral - we decide their "goodness" or "badness". One is not better than the other. I think it has to do more with the zero point. The balance point of each quality. Never too much on one end of the polarity. Just like Southern California, a perfect 70 degrees.
I had made an appointment to take my BMW in to have it serviced for I noticed that the sound on the right side of the car speaker was louder than the sound on the left side of the car speaker. Of course I had to read the manual, as I always do on this car, to find out how to manipulate the balance on the speakers. Once located, it was verified that, indeed my left speaker was putting out less sound than the right speaker. The sound in my car was out of balance.
When the ah ha moment occurred, I began to see the balance bar from the sound in the speakers, superimposed over my qualities. Responsibility came up. While this may seem like a good quality to have, it also has its dark side. Being over responsible is just as out of balance as being under responsible. It is even trickier to be over responsible as it seems so "good". While the under responsible are going around shirking their duties and blaming others, it is pretty easy to see. Even for those doing it. Not so easy to see for those of us who are ultra responsible, taking more than our fair share of responsibility. It wasn't like I was lining up asking for more responsibility, I was just always the one left holding the bag.
Patience is another one. Every fiber in my being wants to scream when I hear someone say "patience" as if it is a virtue. I have been patient my entire life. Waiting. I have been waiting and waiting and waiting. When I finally speak up for myself and someone says to be patient, in a condescending tone, I get angry. You see, you can have too much patience. I have a sense that when I was abandoned by my biological mother at the age of one, that she told me she would come back for me. The person who raised me told me that my mother had indeed, said this to her. When do you quit waiting for a promise that you can't remember-a promise that isn't conscious so you don't know that it is there to confront in yourself? I waited 45 years and didn't even know I was waiting. So don't tell me to be patient.
This belief has to go. There is a balance to patience. There is a balance to responsibility. There is a balance to everything. All qualities are neutral - we decide their "goodness" or "badness". One is not better than the other. I think it has to do more with the zero point. The balance point of each quality. Never too much on one end of the polarity. Just like Southern California, a perfect 70 degrees.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Retarded Empath
This morning was one of those half in and half out realities as I was semi conscious but still somewhat dream like. What came to me was a discussion in my head about empathy. I am an empath, a seriously retarded empath. It has been my journey to understand where I stop and others begin. How would I know that this was not the way it was for everyone for I can only have my experience (while having others experiences because I can feel them). But, if you follow me, this state of non definition of self lends itself as my experience. Even though I can actually feel into others experiences and feelings, it is coming from my point of perception. It is all me baby. Probably the closest way to get to experience another is to have this "skill set". Most people cannot do this. Most can imagine how others feel or relate to others because they have had the same experience. The same experience is never the same experience, however, because it of the uniqueness of the point of perception. Insert snowflake analogy here.
As with everything on this earth plane, everything has it's "good" side and everything has it's so called "bad" side. When you slide the dial toward one end of the polar opposite it changes the quality. We are all just a bunch of slide bars of qualities. Even a hardened quality such as male and female contains this dial. Look at how some women can appear more male like and vice versa. I say please just don't give me the mustache :)
Back to being an empath. What you get is the ability for extreme compassion. Abilities to understand people, which can aid in communication, right? Except the down side to all of this chummy chum chum is that when I know how someone else is going to react and I feel that reaction very deeply, it can affect how I communicate. Fear of reaction because I can feel how the other person is feeling. Ok, joy is usually not the reaction which causes fear. It is usually anger, hurt, rejection, these reactions which come back at me and I feel them. Other people don't know ahead of time what the reaction will be and if they do, they certainly don't internalize it as their own emotions. Other people do not feel the other person so deeply that their hurt and anger feels like your own.
When you can feel that your mother is angry, upset, or hurting as a child, what do you do? You ignore your own needs, that is what you do. You do not bother your mother, even though it is her "job" to nurture and care for you by putting aside her own needs for awhile. No, you begin to believe that your needs do not matter. There are master manipulators out there who take advantage of empaths, like myself. They read the person and then start emotionally manipulating them. For example, I had a two year marriage to a psychopath. Obviously, didn't know it at the time. This person was the exact opposite of myself. Psychopaths cannot feel empathy. Everything is focused on themselves. The world revolves around them and they will take what they want no matter who gets hurt. What a perfect match up. A psychopath and an empath. If you know anything about psychopaths, you understand that these are the folks who will stop at nothing to get what they want. They do not hesitate to lie, manipulate and steal all the while charming you to death. The first thing they do is create a bond with you. They make you believe they are like you. Then they scan you for what they deem weaknesses and use them against you. The psychopath and the empath, two polar opposites. This was the last learning experience I needed in order to find myself. I made hay and did it.
What I saw and felt this morning is that the first half of my life had to do with feeling the difference between myself and others. Knowing the difference. Knowing where I stop and other people begin. For this retarded empath is about to become even more retarded. For with great gifts come great responsibility. I am not going back to center on this. I am learning to keep my balance between myself and others while going even deeper into empath city. My abilities to feel into people are going to increase. The more I can find my balance, the more I can feel into others and the more I can offer the gift I have been given. Not sure where this is all leading, but I am pretty sure it is going in this direction. Finally, getting some glimpse of why I went through that horrible psychopath experience. Never judge anything, right? Now, back to working on trusting myself even deeper to bring me exactly what I need, even when it hurts.
As with everything on this earth plane, everything has it's "good" side and everything has it's so called "bad" side. When you slide the dial toward one end of the polar opposite it changes the quality. We are all just a bunch of slide bars of qualities. Even a hardened quality such as male and female contains this dial. Look at how some women can appear more male like and vice versa. I say please just don't give me the mustache :)
Back to being an empath. What you get is the ability for extreme compassion. Abilities to understand people, which can aid in communication, right? Except the down side to all of this chummy chum chum is that when I know how someone else is going to react and I feel that reaction very deeply, it can affect how I communicate. Fear of reaction because I can feel how the other person is feeling. Ok, joy is usually not the reaction which causes fear. It is usually anger, hurt, rejection, these reactions which come back at me and I feel them. Other people don't know ahead of time what the reaction will be and if they do, they certainly don't internalize it as their own emotions. Other people do not feel the other person so deeply that their hurt and anger feels like your own.
When you can feel that your mother is angry, upset, or hurting as a child, what do you do? You ignore your own needs, that is what you do. You do not bother your mother, even though it is her "job" to nurture and care for you by putting aside her own needs for awhile. No, you begin to believe that your needs do not matter. There are master manipulators out there who take advantage of empaths, like myself. They read the person and then start emotionally manipulating them. For example, I had a two year marriage to a psychopath. Obviously, didn't know it at the time. This person was the exact opposite of myself. Psychopaths cannot feel empathy. Everything is focused on themselves. The world revolves around them and they will take what they want no matter who gets hurt. What a perfect match up. A psychopath and an empath. If you know anything about psychopaths, you understand that these are the folks who will stop at nothing to get what they want. They do not hesitate to lie, manipulate and steal all the while charming you to death. The first thing they do is create a bond with you. They make you believe they are like you. Then they scan you for what they deem weaknesses and use them against you. The psychopath and the empath, two polar opposites. This was the last learning experience I needed in order to find myself. I made hay and did it.
What I saw and felt this morning is that the first half of my life had to do with feeling the difference between myself and others. Knowing the difference. Knowing where I stop and other people begin. For this retarded empath is about to become even more retarded. For with great gifts come great responsibility. I am not going back to center on this. I am learning to keep my balance between myself and others while going even deeper into empath city. My abilities to feel into people are going to increase. The more I can find my balance, the more I can feel into others and the more I can offer the gift I have been given. Not sure where this is all leading, but I am pretty sure it is going in this direction. Finally, getting some glimpse of why I went through that horrible psychopath experience. Never judge anything, right? Now, back to working on trusting myself even deeper to bring me exactly what I need, even when it hurts.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
30 Pieces of Silver
No one comes to this earth perfect for there would be no reason to come to earth. We are each divinely perfectly imperfect, for a reason. We are here in joy, yes, but the joy is in our creations, in what we come up with, so to speak, based on our imperfect combinations. We all have pieces missing on purpose, blind spots, because without these missing pieces we would all be the same, just like from whence we came. Of course, that being source. We all came from source and source is perfect. So we are perfect because we came form source. But, we live in the illusion of earth where we are not perfect. See how perfect all of this? This enables us to play the game.
The game I have been playing is that of the biblical story of Judas and Jesus. As I remember from my God fearing days as a child, Judas sold Jesus for 12, no wait-I have to google-30 pieces of silver. This is the ultimate betrayal. He sells the son of god for a bit of money. There are different versions and reasons cited for this, as this is the bible after all, but the main point being that it is betrayal. But who betrayed whom?
Judas betrayed himself and Jesus self sacrificed himself, that is the point. It is the same, betrayal.
One of my survival skills in life, coming from abandonment and abuse, was that the only way I could get even a smidgen of my needs met, was to give. If I wanted food, shelter, and the mecca of all the needs, love, I had to give something. Giving meaning my energy. Giving energy comes in many forms. Everything is energy says Einstein. Obvious forms of energy in terms of giving are physical things. Here's some food, shelter, clothes, and money. The not as obvious forms of energy are attention, love, sexual gratifications, those of the emotional world. Doing what the other person wants, pleasing others.
I learned how to please others on many levels. I am the best. Lots of people in my life, let's call them master manipulators and some even perpetrators, I attracted into my life. Being highly empathic, really contributed to the ability to read others and give them what they wanted. Of course, this was not conscious for most of the years of my life. I have been consciously working with it for the last 8 years or so. It is a part of the martyr energy of the jesus christ story. Was Jesus not the martyr as he died to save the world? How do you save the world by dying? Yes, this is what I was doing. I was dying. I had given bits and pieces of myself to many people. Some manipulated it out of me and some just took it when I said no. And some, a combination of both. Some was willing. It wasn't that easy to see because I did set up boundaries and said no when I saw what was going on, but it went much deeper than that.
I had a belief that to give was better than to receive. I have learned that giving is not better than receiving as the well has to have a source of water. If I keep dipping into the well over and over again and it doesn't rain or something is preventing the water from seeping into the well, then the well runs dry. In order for the well to continue to have water, then it has to be filled. I was not filling my well and it ran dry. It ran dry, people. I have learned that there is no endlessness to the waters if I do not fill it myself. If I fill my well first, then I have plenty to share.
I am jesus and I am judas. I am jesus as I gave and gave and gave, and sacrificed myself. I am judas as I betrayed myself for 30 pieces of silver, actually I betrayed myself for a lot less. When I gave more of my energy to others than giving to myself or giving a piece of myself for the hope of some love in return, I betrayed myself.
Thanks a lot jesus and judas, that really sucked. I'll be having no more of that in life as I see it clearly now. I reclaim all of the pieces of silver I have given away. I call them back to myself. Thank you to all for pretending to own them, but they are mine and no one can ever take anything away from another being. I love my pieces. I forgive myself for giving them away and forgive those who took them. I am healing the judas/jesus polarity inside myself. I collapse the polarity. My well runs full and free. I drink first and have plenty to share. I am saved because I saved myself.
The game I have been playing is that of the biblical story of Judas and Jesus. As I remember from my God fearing days as a child, Judas sold Jesus for 12, no wait-I have to google-30 pieces of silver. This is the ultimate betrayal. He sells the son of god for a bit of money. There are different versions and reasons cited for this, as this is the bible after all, but the main point being that it is betrayal. But who betrayed whom?
Judas betrayed himself and Jesus self sacrificed himself, that is the point. It is the same, betrayal.
One of my survival skills in life, coming from abandonment and abuse, was that the only way I could get even a smidgen of my needs met, was to give. If I wanted food, shelter, and the mecca of all the needs, love, I had to give something. Giving meaning my energy. Giving energy comes in many forms. Everything is energy says Einstein. Obvious forms of energy in terms of giving are physical things. Here's some food, shelter, clothes, and money. The not as obvious forms of energy are attention, love, sexual gratifications, those of the emotional world. Doing what the other person wants, pleasing others.
I learned how to please others on many levels. I am the best. Lots of people in my life, let's call them master manipulators and some even perpetrators, I attracted into my life. Being highly empathic, really contributed to the ability to read others and give them what they wanted. Of course, this was not conscious for most of the years of my life. I have been consciously working with it for the last 8 years or so. It is a part of the martyr energy of the jesus christ story. Was Jesus not the martyr as he died to save the world? How do you save the world by dying? Yes, this is what I was doing. I was dying. I had given bits and pieces of myself to many people. Some manipulated it out of me and some just took it when I said no. And some, a combination of both. Some was willing. It wasn't that easy to see because I did set up boundaries and said no when I saw what was going on, but it went much deeper than that.
I had a belief that to give was better than to receive. I have learned that giving is not better than receiving as the well has to have a source of water. If I keep dipping into the well over and over again and it doesn't rain or something is preventing the water from seeping into the well, then the well runs dry. In order for the well to continue to have water, then it has to be filled. I was not filling my well and it ran dry. It ran dry, people. I have learned that there is no endlessness to the waters if I do not fill it myself. If I fill my well first, then I have plenty to share.
I am jesus and I am judas. I am jesus as I gave and gave and gave, and sacrificed myself. I am judas as I betrayed myself for 30 pieces of silver, actually I betrayed myself for a lot less. When I gave more of my energy to others than giving to myself or giving a piece of myself for the hope of some love in return, I betrayed myself.
Thanks a lot jesus and judas, that really sucked. I'll be having no more of that in life as I see it clearly now. I reclaim all of the pieces of silver I have given away. I call them back to myself. Thank you to all for pretending to own them, but they are mine and no one can ever take anything away from another being. I love my pieces. I forgive myself for giving them away and forgive those who took them. I am healing the judas/jesus polarity inside myself. I collapse the polarity. My well runs full and free. I drink first and have plenty to share. I am saved because I saved myself.
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