I have been struggling with my purpose ever since my birth. What am I here to do? Is it one particular thing? What is my passion? Do I have a passion? Did I miss out on my passion by making different choices which lead me to "miss" my passion? What brings me joy? Why am I so bored in life? Why do some people know their passion and others do not?
I believe a big part of life is asking the right questions. I also believe that all questions are answered. Kind of like belief in prayers to Christians however this is more defined and does not come from a place of subjugation or pleading for help without owning it. When you ask questions, you are doing your part by honing in on what you want to know. When you know what you want to know then you can more easily direct your thought and action towards it in place of waiting for a miracle or rescue or savior. There is more ownership in the process. Don't get my wrong, I am also subject to those times of desperation and have sent out many a plea of "why hast thou forsaken me?", send help, now.
I remember a girl in high school who knew from the very beginning of time that she wanted to be an airline stewardess. Back then (yes, before the wheel) it was more of a prominent position in society. Anyway, she had a plan and that was to go to college for a couple of years and then apply for the job. Apparently, back then (yes, before dirt) you had a better chance of getting the job if you had some college. Not a degree, mind you, (God forbid a women have a degree and get all feisty) but a couple of years. This girl was a smart girl and in the top of our class. She was beautiful, smart and trim. She took some modeling and ballet for the sake of having it on her resume. I saw her at a high school reunion and she had indeed become an airline stewardess. She was married to a handsome man whom she had met on a flight. It all seemed so perfect to me. This one was never struggling with what she wanted to be in life. She knew. Just knew. I have always remembered her because it was such a contrast to myself. I have never known, never. I have been bumbling around for 49 years (yes, I imagine myself to be a bumbling infant as well) trying to find what the heck I am here to do.
There are other fine examples in this world of people doing what they are born to do. Does that mean we are all born to do something I have wondered? I mean, we are all individuals, billions of us, but all unique so it stands to reason that we all come with different plans. You have to admit, though, that there is nothing like seeing someone in their passion. Just check out Bono or a professional athlete.
Back to me. I have always been able to keep up with just about any school of thought. I understand things quickly and so it was wide open as to having courses of study in which to choose. There were a few exceptions, I know rocket scientist was a definite no as I knew limitations to my intelligence.
I bumbled around in college, first a pre-med student only to find out you had to attend class and those classes were always at 8:00 a.m. and included the lab bonus. I found I really enjoyed the people aspect of college. It wasn't so much the parties but the getting to know people and their various backgrounds. It was always a multi-cultural bonus to me if I was able to befriend someone of a different race. When I say I enjoyed the social aspect of college, which usually defers to getting drunk,it is not what I mean. So I became a psychology major with a minor in theatre. This educational background led to what would be my career of over 15 years in working as a therapist-I was a natural but never really enjoyed it. It did not make me sing "It's A Beautiful Day" while sporting really cool eyewear. I was the best, though at what I did.
I experienced a career change and the next 13 years were spent in the business side of things and then working my way into management. Still, no purpose. Still, no joy. Still, immense boredom. Even in the midst of incredible stress and drama in my life, bored stiff.
Something very interesting has developed in my life. It is unexpected. The one thing I thought I did not want to do seems to be shimmering in the light. All of it, the past of almost 30 years is all starting to come together. I am starting to get some indication of where I am headed and how it all fits. Why it had to be done the way it was done in those different pieces is starting to make sense. Sort of like a piece of artwork, that has several layers to it, or a big ass stupid puzzle that you put together blind and only by feeling the pieces.
I am a little stunned by the whole thing and still uncertain because I feel like there are still pieces missing but enough of it is in place where the picture is starting to emerge. It's a work of art for sure-had it been dogs playing poker, I would have caught on a lot sooner when I saw the dogs faces or cards.
I am excited but at the same time cautious as I don't want to be disappointed. It has been a long haul to get here. What's funny is it is something I have been in resistance to. Hopefully, I'll find out why I filled out the long form when it comes to passion. There has to be a good reason because I filled out that long form and I chose it for a reason. If I know myself, it will be an amazing well planned surprise and well worth it. There has to be a pony in here somewhere, right?
What is it? What is your purpose? that will come in part dos
