ALL for LOVE

Something's been building inside of me for several days now.  A few nights ago, I had a dream that while I lie sleeping, I was surrounded and engulfed by this huge man who was hugging me.  There was a feeling of well being  associated with this encapsulated body hug and I can still see the picture of me lying there in bed spooning with a very large man.  The best I could come up with of who this man reminded me of was John Goodman-from the show Roseanne-he play Dan Conner (had to google it).  Just to be clear, I have never had any crush on John Goodman, Dan Conner or the Roseanne show for that matter.  But it is an interesting translation as I sit here at 5:00 a.m., having had another one of my spiritual epiphanies about an hour ago as I lie wide awake in bed sorting through my stuff.

After a strange surge of energy which had me going through old jewelry tonight and putting it in a bag for good-will (not to be confused with Goodman), I eventually became so tired that I decided not to  read as per my usual routine before going to sleep.  Once I settled into bed, I started sifting through some fears of mine that had crept in again.  And somewhere in there of all the back and forth from feeling fear to embracing my fear-back and forth, back and forth-feeling fear and embracing fear, in my mind-there then emerged this feeling in my solar plexus.  This feeling got stronger so that it became a  defined ball of feeling.  Then the download came, the knowing of what it has all been about.

LOVE

It has all been about LOVE.  My life, all the things I have done, I have done for love.  Love in terms of seeking love from others.  All I wanted, my entire life was to love and be loved.  I know this sounds cliche and the words hardly do the feeling justice.  I have never experienced the feeling of being loved - I came into this world to an 18 year old mother who abandoned me and was emotionally abused by the mother who raised me.  This is the set up I chose to be born into.  So, I did not even experience the love of a mother (but the opposite) which is about the closest thing you can get to unconditional love from the outside.  I had no father to love me either.

Today my daughter texted me to say that she is working on a new story-she is a writer.  This is her text:
Mom tells child "I'll love you no matter what". Child gets mad because she thinks that it is a ridiculous notion.  Then comes to realize the never ending love of a mother.

A correction-I never felt strong love until the birth of my first child.  Having children was the most precious gift I had ever received.  It changed me.  It filled a hole inside of me.  It was the closest thing to  unconditional love that I have ever experienced.

Yes, I had experienced romantic love with men.  I "loved" my husband.  However, I never seemed to get back emotionally what I put into the relationship.  I ended up being the one who gave their guts out emotionally and being taken for granted.  I over gave.  The more I gave, the less I got back.

Eventually this lead me to the ultimate relationship. The relationship where I gave it all, house, finances, health-everything I had, this man took.  If I had not been desperate for someone to love me, he would not have been able to manipulate and use it against me.  He was ruthless.

As I lie in my bed going through the rubble in my mind, I  asked, again,  to understand the wider picture.  I still thought there was a bigger reason that I was yet to see.

And that's when it all fell into place.  This feeling in my solar plexus grew and it felt like LOVE.  I focused on the feeling and began to smile on the inside and tell myself how much I loved me.  I told myself how amazing I am.  I told myself how incredible I am and that I have come so far.  I told myself, I love you, I love you, I love you, and I felt it.  I felt my love for myself.  This was very different than telling myself from my intellect that I love myself.  This was pure, raw feeling.

On this journey, we have all been told to love ourselves. I have even heard that it is the reason we are here.  And, I have thought that I loved myself.  Up until tonight when I experienced this LOVE from the inside out.

Something has been going through my mind this week-a quote I heard from Story Waters about "the courage to stand alone".  I didn't know why it appeared in my mind.  I have been alone for over 2 years now-really physically alone.  No romantic relationship and both kids away in college.  Serious soul searching has transpired in this time.  I could not have done it if I was not alone.  I embraced my alone-ness and let it envelop me.  I fell in love with myself over these 2 years.  All I had was focused on me (and paying tuition so those kids could stay away in college).

Strangely, over the past two days a children's book has come to mind that I used to read to my children.  The book's name is I Like Me by Nancy Carlson.  Here is a review of the book posted on amazon, ""Little ones in need of positive reinforcement will find it here. An exuberant pig proclaims "I like me!" She likes the way she looks, and all her activities....When she makes a mistake she picks herself up and tries again." --Booklist "Wonderful in its simplicity, here's a story that will help kids feel good about themselves." -- Boston GLobe.

In my mind, I caught myself saying to myself, "I like me, piggie".  I believe it is the very last page of the book.  The book which I have not read for over 15 years.

So, to tie a bow around all of this, I came to fall in LOVE with myself tonight.  And I now know, that the searching is over.  All of this time, I have been looking for me (piggie).  The love I was so desperately trying to get from others, I  give to myself.  It truly is an inside job.  I know the law of attraction was bringing me exactly what I was putting out-that I didn't love myself so that is what I was getting back.  To be dependent on anything outside of myself is exactly that, dependence.  I am a sovereign being.  I am God so I am everything.  I give to myself what I need.  I am dependent on no one.  Dobby is a Free Elf.

Then two songs came to mind.  First-I started singing All You Need is Love, by the Beetles.  Which seemed pretty apropos.  After the obvious song, I started getting the melody of a different song.  Here it is- and this one had me in tears as I felt the love flowing through me.

AT the GATES

For 29 years, I was on a normal trajectory of college, marriage and kids.  I remember  turning 30 and being presented with a version of myself I did not know existed.  Who was this SELF.  I started questioning.  All of my life, all of it, I had accepted the mass program.  Even though I never felt satisfied from life, I followed a path that lead to what I considered to be success.  Somehow I had transcended a life of near poverty, a life filled with deprivation of all basic needs. It was a life of bare minimum.  And somehow, I had made it to a good college and out of the hood.  There, I met a guy and we were married a week after I graduated.  He worked as a civil engineer and I as a therapist.  We bought a couple of houses before we had two children a girl  in 1989 and a boy 1991.  It was all dream like and there never seemed to be that many choices along the way.  There just didn't seem to be options to choose from.  

Out of what seemed to be nowhere'sville, things inside of me started to change.  Twenty years later, here I am.

I am at the Gates of Heaven.  I have brought mySELF here.  I have done everything I have known to do.  

JUDGEMENT.  I have worked on releasing all judgment-yes, it is still there and I am not sure if I will ever totally eradicate it but the desire for total release is there.  I will continue to look for it, acknowledge it and when I see it, look for what I am judging inside myself.  

CHOICE.  I know that I am choosing everything in this life.  Everything, without exception.  There are no accidents and no mistakes.  I have released victim consciousness.  I have started to understand the reasons that I went through some of my experiences and I am looking forward to an even wider understanding of past experience.  

FEAR. I consciously look for what creates fear in my life.  I walk into the fear.  I feel the fear and do it anyway.  

PERSPECTIVE. I know that thoughts create reality. You get what you focus upon.   I monitor my thoughts and change them if they are negative.  If there is a feeling which needs to be released, I do not deny it for fear of creating it.  I feel the feeling for it to be released.  Sometimes it may require that I delve into what seems like negativity but it is for the purpose of release.  

APPRECIATION. I know that the highest vibration is that of appreciation.  I look for things in my life to appreciate, daily.  I spent time in the morning and before bed to feel appreciation.  

BOUNDARIES. I set boundaries. I say no when I want to say no.  I do not over give to where I deplete my energies.  I put SELF first knowing if I am happy there is more to share.  The most important person to please is myself.  

COMPASSION. I remember that everyone is choosing their life experience.  I cannot save the world, nor does the world need saving.  I understand that as I have chosen painful experiences, so have others.  I honor and respect their choices.  This does not mean that I cannot help when I am called upon.  

HEALING. I understand that all healing must be requested and for the highest good of all.  Therefore, I do not mettle where I have not been asked to go.   

BRIDGING.  I do not remain quiet.  I will give my opinion from my own experience and perspective allowing others their perspective.  I can meet others at different rungs on the ladder and try to find a common meeting ground so as to create a bridge of understanding. I try to find things we have in common.  

WOUNDING.  I have found the mustard seed of my core level wounding of betrayal.  I see it played out throughout my entire life.  I will continue to search for and release any unknown remaining wounds but it feels as though this phase is complete.  

I have turned my life upside down and inside out.  All I can see to do is to practice these spiritual qualities.  There is no where else to go. If this is what is meant by being at the gates of heaven, then I am here.  I respectfully submit my name and sign into the book of life.  I ask for Grace.