AT the GATES

For 29 years, I was on a normal trajectory of college, marriage and kids.  I remember  turning 30 and being presented with a version of myself I did not know existed.  Who was this SELF.  I started questioning.  All of my life, all of it, I had accepted the mass program.  Even though I never felt satisfied from life, I followed a path that lead to what I considered to be success.  Somehow I had transcended a life of near poverty, a life filled with deprivation of all basic needs. It was a life of bare minimum.  And somehow, I had made it to a good college and out of the hood.  There, I met a guy and we were married a week after I graduated.  He worked as a civil engineer and I as a therapist.  We bought a couple of houses before we had two children a girl  in 1989 and a boy 1991.  It was all dream like and there never seemed to be that many choices along the way.  There just didn't seem to be options to choose from.  

Out of what seemed to be nowhere'sville, things inside of me started to change.  Twenty years later, here I am.

I am at the Gates of Heaven.  I have brought mySELF here.  I have done everything I have known to do.  

JUDGEMENT.  I have worked on releasing all judgment-yes, it is still there and I am not sure if I will ever totally eradicate it but the desire for total release is there.  I will continue to look for it, acknowledge it and when I see it, look for what I am judging inside myself.  

CHOICE.  I know that I am choosing everything in this life.  Everything, without exception.  There are no accidents and no mistakes.  I have released victim consciousness.  I have started to understand the reasons that I went through some of my experiences and I am looking forward to an even wider understanding of past experience.  

FEAR. I consciously look for what creates fear in my life.  I walk into the fear.  I feel the fear and do it anyway.  

PERSPECTIVE. I know that thoughts create reality. You get what you focus upon.   I monitor my thoughts and change them if they are negative.  If there is a feeling which needs to be released, I do not deny it for fear of creating it.  I feel the feeling for it to be released.  Sometimes it may require that I delve into what seems like negativity but it is for the purpose of release.  

APPRECIATION. I know that the highest vibration is that of appreciation.  I look for things in my life to appreciate, daily.  I spent time in the morning and before bed to feel appreciation.  

BOUNDARIES. I set boundaries. I say no when I want to say no.  I do not over give to where I deplete my energies.  I put SELF first knowing if I am happy there is more to share.  The most important person to please is myself.  

COMPASSION. I remember that everyone is choosing their life experience.  I cannot save the world, nor does the world need saving.  I understand that as I have chosen painful experiences, so have others.  I honor and respect their choices.  This does not mean that I cannot help when I am called upon.  

HEALING. I understand that all healing must be requested and for the highest good of all.  Therefore, I do not mettle where I have not been asked to go.   

BRIDGING.  I do not remain quiet.  I will give my opinion from my own experience and perspective allowing others their perspective.  I can meet others at different rungs on the ladder and try to find a common meeting ground so as to create a bridge of understanding. I try to find things we have in common.  

WOUNDING.  I have found the mustard seed of my core level wounding of betrayal.  I see it played out throughout my entire life.  I will continue to search for and release any unknown remaining wounds but it feels as though this phase is complete.  

I have turned my life upside down and inside out.  All I can see to do is to practice these spiritual qualities.  There is no where else to go. If this is what is meant by being at the gates of heaven, then I am here.  I respectfully submit my name and sign into the book of life.  I ask for Grace.