The MUSTARD SEED

There is this intangible feeling that I am trying to wrap my arms around and pull out from inside of my being.  The mustard seed.  The seed that is buried deep, deep (did I mention deep) down.

This morning, I had a dream and it was about being robbed on the street.  There was no help around and my screams were met with complete silence.  The feeling was that of powerlessness, of not being able to do anything at all to help myself.  There was no one around to help me.  I had to surrender to the experience.  After being robbed (in my dream) there was this feeling that is difficult to describe.  Of having had something traumatic happen but no marks-no bruises, nothing on the outside for the world to see as evidence.

As I marinated in this feeling today, trying to make sense of it, I followed that feeling of powerlessness.  Where else in my life have I felt like this?  Of being a "victim" where something was stolen from me and then afterwards, it was as if nothing had happened.

My first sexual experience-I was 15 and he was 17 -my first love.  We had been making out in cars mostly and he was pushing to have sex.  I was not ready for intercourse.  I believe it was New Years Eve and there was drinking involved ( I had little experience with alcohol) and he coaxed me into this room full of other couples making out.  We were on a bed, my pants had been taken off and all of a sudden he was on top of me, with his penis inside of me.  It was very quick (and unfulfilling I might add) and he pulled out before he came inside of me.  And then it was over.  There was this feeling of trust I had for him as he always quit when I said no and he knew I had not changed my mind about being ready for sex.  He said he loved me.  And, yet, there I lie half naked on the bed, filled with desire only to be raped.  All that was left to do was to get dressed and walk out with the Queen song "Tie Your Mother Down" playing in the background.  Afterwards, there was no hand holding or loving embraces or expressions of love.  Nothing.  Silence.  We went on as if nothing had happened.  I was betrayed.

I can only imagine that this was the same feeling I had when my  biological mother left me at the age of one.  My step father's grandmother somehow cajoled my 19 year old mother into leaving me and my 6 week old sister to be raised by her.  From silenced relatives who didn't speak out until years later, there seems to have been subterfuge involved.  I was raised as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.   Betrayal by my biological mother who was supposed to protect me and by my step grandmother who would emotionally abuse me.  Who, by the way, always told me how much she loved me while dispensing emotional abuse.

Yes, there is a pattern of betrayal throughout my life.  It has come in all kinds of packages.  All of them telling me they loved me while they betrayed me behind my back.  These two instances are probably the most significant as they occurred early to set the imprint.  The last betrayal was with my second husband.  We were married for only two years.  He ended up being one of those psychopaths.  The kind of person who totally deceives everyone around him.  He is one of those people who will probably end up on the news someday.  As psychopaths are want to do, I was destroyed financially not to mention my health.

The betrayal with a happy face came from my best friend who also happens to be my boss at work.  She was undermining me with people who reported into to me and others in the organization.  She took credit for my work with the higher ups and painted a picture of more than her fair share of importance.  All the while, telling me how much she loved and appreciated me and denying any wrongdoing when confronted.  Until she was caught, red handed and yet, still had the audacity to try and "spin" it.  Again, that feeling of you've just been punked - but we go on as if nothing has happened.

My husband of 20 years who is the father of my children abandoned me emotionally.  After the divorce and remarrying a year later, he decided he wasn't going to pay for our children's college and medical expenses.  This resulted in me having to sue him to honor the divorce agreement.  Needless to say, this was totally unexpected that he would abandon the kids financially.  He lost, of course, and we go on as if nothing happened.

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down


Before this dream, a few weeks ago, I had discovered that there is something called betrayal trauma.  Here is the definition:  Betrayal Trauma: The phrase "betrayal trauma" can be used to refer to a kind of trauma independent of the reaction to the trauma. From Freyd (2008): Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival signifi cantly violate that person ’ s trust or well - being: Childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver are examples of betrayal trauma.

Betrayal Trauma Theory: From Sivers, Schooler, & Freyd (2002): A theory that predicts that the degree to which a negative event represents a betrayal by a trusted needed other will influence the way in which that events is processed and remembered

This is what you call a core trauma.  It is the set up that occurs early in childhood and then is repeated over and over again until the person can see and heal it.  It finally becomes so ridiculous that you cannot NOT see it.  Since the initial trauma occurred at one year old, without conscious memory, it was a nasty little booger I could not get hold of.  It was like a mustard seed that was hidden deep inside of my being which until it bloomed, blended in with all the other bits and pieces of life.  

 It is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and put in his own garden. It grew, and became a large tree, and the birds of the sky lodged in its branches.”

 I believe this dream to be the releasing of my core trauma.  In order to heal, the feelings that are stored inside of the body, have to be felt.  The pain that was too difficult to feel at the time of the wounding will be felt as it is leaving.  Still, hard to describe this feeling of being hurt and then - I think it is like that of going numb or in shock.  Yes, a feeling of shock.  The shock absorbs the pain.  But yet, there is something intangible about the shock.  Maybe it is invalidation-that everything goes on and the pain is never validated or expressed.  If no one else recognizes the pain, then does it exist? Is it real if no one else admits to it?  Can I have my own feelings regardless of someone else's validation?  Can I feel?  Am I permitted to have my own feelings?  

This is where the fear lies for there are consequences to standing up for oneself.  Am I strong enough to weather the storm of owning my own feelings, of standing up to the possible anger and rejection?  Will you leave me if I express my feelings?  Best guess is yes, for the type of person I have been attracting to myself is not the type of person who is usually willing to own their own actions.  Here is the mirror:  I am not taking responsibility for my feelings and am attracting the same.  

What is the gift from all of this bull crap :) ?  Maybe it is to know, that what I am feeling and seeing is valid.  To not look on the outside for approval, validation, and acceptance.  To own my experience and to speak up about it.  If I am not honest about my feelings then  I am going to attract dishonest people.  To not let the fear of anger and rejection stop me from expressing myself.


This has been quite the journey.  As each betrayal presented itself, I learned from it.  It was like a spiral where it just goes around and around with each new betrayal experience being more difficult.  Until now, I have it by the throat-the roots and I am pulling this mutha out.

Betrayal trauma NO MORE!  Next........