My life as "bohemian rhapsody"

Two days ago, on 8/7/2012 I could not feel anything but absolute dross and nothingness. When I emerged from bed that morning, I did my normal routine of feeding the cats, scooping the poo and having breakfast. (The poo was not my breakfast) Immediately, and I mean immediately I was belly up on the couch with a foggy heaviness of some sort of painful exhaustion that all I could do was close my eyes and hope that sleep came quickly. And it did, and I did this throughout the day, waking, eating and feeling a slow death of myself to where the only thing I could do was sleep. All I could do was surrender, nothing more, nothing less. Surrender.  A "sick day" for sure.

This was probably one of the worst energetic days I have ever experienced and that is saying a lot. Ever since the 11-11-11 I have been in a downward spiral of drowning into sleep and then coming up for a gasp of air (fake out) and then drowning. All I remember of this entire year is that I have been asleep-weekends are an amnesiatic blur with life consisting of eating, going to the bathroom, working, and sleeping.   An entire year-gone! Or so it seemed. Funny that in order to become awake, I had to sleep, a lot.

Yesterday was the 8-8 and known as the Lion's Gate and also coincided with Mercury going direct. Whatever, right? It was said to be a highly packed energetic punch to aid humankind in moving forward. After years of chronic fatigue syndrome with the added final 2012 blow of total despondency, I was not expecting much from the so-called promises of the 8-8. Well, never say never, I guess because yesterday, on the 8-8, somewhere in the evening, I started to get a surge of energy so much that I was able to haul arse into the hot yoga room after work.  Is it really too much to ask for, a little exercise? Now, I have had the fake outs before where I muster up just enough energy for some fun/exercise and then bammo, back on my back.

Imagine my surprise when I awoke today, like a normal person, I didn't have a sleep hangover and I got up. Ah, I remember this feeling, you just get up and feel good. How long has it been since I just got up and felt good? Dunno. Maybe once this year....maybe....probably not. But it was acute, the feeling was a carved out moment in time as I searched my inner self to see if I had somehow hijacked the wrong body or I had missed something and I really needed to go back to sleep. Nope. I got up and felt "normal". That normal feeling has continued all darn day. After work, I went out for dinner and grocery shopped and chatted with an African American Woman about raw organic honey in the health food store. I asked a patron where I dined  if she thought the sink had been recently replaced. Ha ha, she said she "didn't know".

I continued on with my evening and, get this, I am still going strong. As I sat down to watch a date night movie, Freddie Mercury's (remember, he went direct) Bohemian Rhapsody popped into my head. "Is this the real life? Is it just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality. Open your eyes. Look up to the skies and see. Which inspired me to plug in the Bose headphones and listen to the song. As I was listening, I heard and felt this song like I have never before. It became clear to me that this was about ascension, the spiritual journey of integrating spirit and human without physically dying. The opening of the song was akin to the beginning of the journey, say around 1991 or so. Where the questioning begins. God damn it, the questioning. After having my second child, and a "successful" marriage, Master's degree and full time professional job, I began to question. The seductive draw of the spirit. God damn it the siren seduction call of the spirit. But, in the beginning it is fun, it is easy, it is all love and light and then the releasing starts and the decision to release, what stays, what goes. This first verse is all about the beginning of the journey.

The second verse opens with, "Mama, just killed a man. Put a gun against his head. Pulled my trigger now he's dead. Mama, life had just begun. But now I've gone and thrown it all away." This is when it gets very very serious. Decisions are made by the spirit and the so-called perfect life is torn apart. Divorce. The ending of my 20 year marriage and as if that wasn't enough, things start to shake and everything else in my life had to stand the test of the light. And then more, what seems like bad decisions, a marriage to a nut job  my greatest spiritual teacher which challenges every aspect of my being. Divorce, again or shall we call it integrating a past life. Saving the best for last. No wonder. Lost my home, my savings. All the fear issues rise to the surface for release. Survival issues everywhere I turn. Get out by the grace of God.

And all of the body symptoms. "Too late, my time has come. Send shivers down my spine, body aching all the time."  Next up is the intense soul searching. Enter dark night of the soul, extreme, in 3-D only. Wrestling with the fears and embracing death. "Goodbye, everybody. I've got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Mama, oooh, I don't want to die. I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all." Contemplation of going HOME.

More confronting of the fear of death while dying by releasing everything inside of you. I see a little silhouetto of man. Scaramouch Scaramouch will you do the fandango? Ok, cowardly braggart-which is a bunch of new age crap pie throwing contest which offers no solace. And it is all so dramatic with "Thunderbolt and Lightening very very frightening me."  It really is fricking scary during the dark night of the soul. But somewhere in there, I became the observer so I knew it was terribly frightening but could also see the drama playing out. Vacillating between scared to death attachment and at other times, scared to death non-attachment.

The pleading of the grief cycle in operation. Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief. I awoke one morning not too long ago with the stages of grief on my mind. I had awoken out of a dream where I was trying to remember the so-called "order" of the stages. What was the last stage before surrender? It happened to be Depression. Ha, yup, that was me, severely depressed but also flirting with surrender. If you don't know, the stages of the grief cycle are written in this order but you can go back and forth between any and all of the stages before you finally surrender. It is the normal reaction to illness, death and loss. The stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I have gone through all of these stages over and over again as I was called to release everything inside and outside of me that did not resonate with the new me I was becoming. The next verse is all about the pleading and bargaining with the devil. "I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me. He's just a poor boy from a poor family. Spare him his life from this monstrosity. Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! no we will not let you go. Let him go. Bismillah! We will not let you go. Let me go." The fight for my soul. Wrestling with the darkness, the devil, making deals, trying to find a way out. Thinking I was there and trying to "convince" myself I was done. This is a fight. A fight between the old and the new and the spirit does not settle for anything other than authenticity. It will not stop until everything has been set free and released.

The beautiful, beautiful resurgence of the self. Somewhere in there, the rising up of the human with the divine. When you want something so badly, you will do anything for it. No matter what life threw at me, I was going to be ok. Whatever it took, I knew I had come so far and I was not going down. I was not stopping. I would have my awakening, enlightenment. So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye. So you think you can love me and leave me to die. Oh, baby, can't do this to me baby.
Just gotta get out. Just gotta get right outta here.

And then comes the complete surrender to spirit. "Ooh, yeah. Ooh yeah. Nothing really matters. Anyone can see. Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters to me. ANYWAY THE WIND BLOWS."  To know, without a doubt, that I am spirit. That we are one being. That I am safe. That I am a multi-dimensional being. To know who I am and to be be-coming more of my Self every day of my life. To be aware of mySelf. And to love mySelf. To look fear in the eye and say ok.

This was my journey. The Bohemian Rhapsody of my life. OOh, yeah. Ooh yeah. The individualism of the bohemian (as Wiki puts in) and the beauty and romance of life, rhapsody. As tears roll down my face tonight as I listen to this song, it is such a full and by full I mean this expanded feeling encompassing everything, in a feeling. Heart, soul, bullshit, all of it combined together for this fullness of feeling. It is really grabbing the brass ring.

Side bar: The song is 5:55 minutes long. Something everyone in the spiritual community knows as a master number meaning change. Really big changes. I'm going to call that a spiritual wink.