Since I can remember, I have been outcast. Physically there is no reason for this as I look "normal" having no disabilities or other outcast attributes. I have always been attractive enough which usually allows more easily for social acceptance. I have more compassion than most anyone I have ever come across. This is not the martyr fake out compassion which is in ample supply. I probably relied on my ability to connect with others through compassion because it was the way to be accepted. When you give others what they need, then they allow you in. Down side is this type of relationship is usually one sided and they cannot get enough to drink at the well and will drink until the well is dry.
I was born outcast. Childhood was difficult in that I, as most kids, wanted friends. While I was never without friends, I had to work at it. No one was beating down my door. I gave a lot in my relationships and was paid back in a few close relationships. Always had a boyfriend containing same imbalance of over giving.
I am odd or weird but not in a way one can name. My consciousness has never been the same as the mass consciousness. How I view the world is different than most. Plus, I have this thing which I do called honestly and it takes people by surprise. I have the :awesome" ability to go to the heart of what someone is talking about and say it, out loud. Most are hiding things from themselves, which I find out later by their reactions. A simple rephrasing of what someone has said will bring to light a denial. Now, mind you, this is not my agenda. My agenda has been to connect. I am not trying to do this. In fact, I have tried to rein it in as I do not really care to be a denial breaker. Again, I DO NOT CARE. Live your life, it is none of my business.
The most joyful experience in life was that of being a mother. Not the bath giving, feeding and back breaking part, but the nurturing and connection part. My children love me. My daughter is weirder than I -pure indigo-and surrounded herself with other indigos. She was born in 1989 and a hey year for the indigo nation. My son is weird with that of his high level of intelligence. Both kids recognized how different I was than the other mothers and as they aged, grew proud of my differentness. The other moms didn't pan out, so to speak. Their friends noticed too and extended their approval.
I have never truly been accepted. People do not "get" me. And, quite frankly, most other people bore me. Ugggggg, really?, blah blah blah. People, in general, love to talk about themselves but rarely ask me about myself. If they do, they do not mean it and tire of me quickly. And god forbid I throw in some insight into their personal world by getting real and inadvertently helping them see themselves more clearly. Jesus. Can't take me anywhere.
My mind is quick and clear. I see things that others cannot but I do not realize it until it happens. Would I trade in this for the soup of regular people. Not on your life. It is me and I like who I am, disconnect and all. As far as I am concerned, I am good to go. It is about acceptance of who I am and of being more of who I am. I have been fighting me for-ever, mostly unconsciously. Fitting in under false pretenses or a "wolf in sheep's clothing". For, I am anything but a sheep. This does not make me better or worse it just IS. No longer am I tricked into thinking I am broken because others do not understand or I am 10 steps ahead of them. Now, I have learned to bridge the distance if needed. Like at work when I need to get everybody on board to solve a problem. BTW, superiors do not take kindly to noticing their own getting up to speed gap.
Bottom line is I have made great effort to connect to others. I can do it but is is one-sided and is based on me coming to them. Well, fuck that. It is not satisfying to be stepping down so I might as well just entertain myself. And if somehow you are drawn into my energy, then be ready for a treat you won't get with your regular friends. I'll just say goodbye in advance.
I will end with one of my favorite Story Waters lines: This is me, unabashedly me. Love me or GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE.
Thanks for sharing. The honesty is appreciated...
ReplyDeletePlease don't let the perception of discontentment affect how you share your truth with people. We all need to hear it, regardless of the source. This knowledge is too important and needs to be passed along at every opportunity. The best times for you to share may be when you go to others. If this is not fully ringing true at this time, allow yourself to be fully welcoming to others. Truth equals freedom and people will come, of that there is no doubt.
Although there are constant reminders of perfection, connection and beauty in all we witness, many are unable to see the sum of the parts. Largely because of the false belief in society's mindless nonsense opinions, they remain the sheep. This is where you, me, and all of our rad friends come in. We connect the dots of the universe and pass on this knowledge to everyone. Each of the 7 billion has this knowledge and can be set free.
The "real world emotions" do exist and they can slow us down. We get frustrated, but we deal with them the best we can. After all, there is a reality somewhere. May as well have a foothold in one of them; calling mine 'Ryan Lives On Earth, For Now'...for now.
Honesty is the most powerful tool any of us posses. Stripping away the bullshit is tough for people, agreed. A root of the problem, but slowly changing. But it sounds like we both recognize that others may, and do, become uncomfortable with honest and clear communication. The question I then ask is 'Why?'. Those answers are right around the corner. Establishing a pure signal flow with all we come in contact with is paramount to maintaining the necessary candor and directness.
I "get" you. Everything is about evolution, with each being existing perfectly in a different space, with a different role. Our respective awarenesses develop at different speeds, as some may lag and some may exceed the crowd's. You are not an "outcast." Just awake and becoming impatient. What may be plainly and painfully obvious to you might exist only as a future thought to others.
I hope that deep down you understand just how fortunate you are to know the things you know. Its great to hear you do want to share.Time to band together.
Please just be patient. Amazing things are coming soon.
I love you!
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