Ruby Slippers

Found myself thinking about the movie Wizard of Oz where The Wicked Witch of the West writes"Surrender Dorothy" in the sky with broomstick smoke.  Dorothy and her 3 companions, Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Lion have just had a spa day in the Emerald City when the mean and scary witch shows up and ruins it all.  Or does she? Because of the Wicked Witch of the West, Dorothy is forced to face her fears.

I couldn't help thinking about how this story tells my story. I, too was unhappy with my life and ended up on an unexpected journey.  During my journey I have met my thoughts (brains), heart (feelings), and  fears (courage), especially my fears.  Fear comes in all shapes and sizes.  Our biggest fear is said to be that of death.  I think I am pretty good on that one.  Sometimes, it feels like it would be a relief actually. The fear I have associated with death is that of pain.  I do not want to die a painful death.  There is a point though where pain will make you pass out so there is a threshold to it.  I will not be controlled by the fear of death.  

Survival fears.  These are strong within me and I think probably mostly everyone.  They are biologically programmed into the DNA.  It is difficult to break this encoding.  We are programmed for the flight or flight response.  This is tied into the fear of death.  Survival fears come from all kinds of sources. Not being able to financially support myself is a survival fear.  I may not die but be made to suffer in a life due to lack.  Food and housing are basics we all need.  Fear of the loss of love does not concern me.  I have lost all of the important people whom I have loved.

One of my deepest fears is that of not having a say in my life.  Not being able to manifest my desires.  I was raised in near poverty and I felt stuck as a child.  No matter what I did, I was unable to change my circumstances.  This was my birth choice. I chose this for a reason and it was very real.  I struggled with being able to accept my circumstances but that never stuck, emotionally. I could not free myself from judging myself about not having money, a house, clothes, etc.  I saw that in order to be popular in school, these things mattered and people judged you for your economic status.  I also saw that money brought opportunity and those with money, had it easier.  I judged back.

I don't think I ever dealt with the pain of being poor as a child.  After college, my circumstances did change.  I married and we both had professional jobs and good incomes.  My income continued to increase and I lived a comfortable life.  Fast forward to now, where I have a home in foreclosure.  It is bringing up all of these fears which I thought I put behind me.  It is now my opportunity to face these old buried fears and judgements.  The judgement that my economic circumstance is tied to who I am.  I am god no matter where I live.  Am I gong to believe it that I do not create my reality?  The tricky part is believing that I am creating my reality when it is something I do not want-on the human level.  On the spirit level, there is great wisdom in my choosing but I have to trust that I know what I am doing.  Yes, I do create my reality.  What is in my reality is for a reason and it is showing me something.  I think not being able to change my reality is the belief that I cannot.  I am creating it even though it is what I perceive as a crappy reality.  There is a reason for my crappy reality.  There is a fear here.  The fear is I am not creating.  I accept that i am creating it no matter what.  acceptance of my birth choice plays a part in this too. i accept my birth choice of being poor but it does not mean that I have to remain poor.  I know better now.

Fear of slavery.  Of being controlled by someone else or my circumstance.  I am a sovereign being  and it is time i released the fear of slavery. Of being controlled by someone else just to get your human needs met.  or emotional needs.  that is slavery.  giving someone what they want because you have to - to survive. this is difficult for me to accept.  that we chose slavery for a reason.  I have been a slave in this lifetime.  giving parts of myself away for love when all the love i need is on the inside.

and I see Dorothy in her ruby slippers and being told "You had the power all the time".  The slippers were the keys to her return to home.  she had them with her all along.  And this rang true to me in that I felt I have had the power all along to choose my destiny.  That we all carry that within us-that which we seek is inside of us.  But how to find that which we seek is generally by looking on the outside and thus the journey.  Our lives are mirrors and everything from the inside is reflected to us on the outside in our experiences.  

I truly feel I am ready for this part of my journey to end.  I have explored my thoughts, feelings and fears and quite frankly have seen enough.  It is time to leave Oz 

Fear, the guardian

As I was sitting on my couch, writing in my journal, I was lead down a path where I was able to feel and release some stored shame from childhood.  When we are emotionally wounded and unable to process the pain at the time, we store it in our bodies.  It is walled off until we are able to process it.  Oftentimes it is our fears which are guarding wounds.  The fears are saying "don't go here" it is painful.  For to release a wound, is to go into a wound and re-feel the trauma and pain we were unable to feel at the time.  Wounds which are laid down in childhood are waiting for us to grow into adults so we will be better able to handle the experience of feeling and dealing with the experience.  As adults, we can see things from a bigger and/or wider perspective.  For example, we are able to see our parents as humans who make mistakes and have their own wounds.  As children, we are sponges who just soak up whatever is in our environments.

Especially me.  I am a human emotional sponge.  I am an empath which is having the experience of feeling everyone else's emotions.  It has been a lifelong journey to be able to separate out myself from other people.  I feel emotions intensely and emotions on the lower end of the scale such as anger frighten me.  Combine that with a fear of rejection and you have someone easily emotionally manipulated.

Back to my story.  I was writing about how as  an adolescent and young adulthood, I had no concept of the government, really and how it personally affected my life.  I was attributing that ignorance due to being poor.  First of all, there were no learning opportunities in my environment about our government. Second, I never had things to lose.  We did not own property.  My mother quit her low paying job when I was in the 7th grade.  She never really talked about why.  Somehow we were existing.

During this time frame, we went on food stamps which is a government program.  I had a memory of walking to the grocery store about 1/2 to a mile away and buying groceries.  When it was time to check out, I was absolutely humiliated. I remembered that sometimes my mother would send my sister and  myself to the grocery store with food stamps in hand.  If we wanted to eat, we would have to go through the humiliation of paying with food stamps.  Sat here on my leather, yellow couch, I released a wound tonight form long ago.  Ashamed of myself for having human needs.  The basic human need of food, I was ashamed for needing to eat.  This must be how a homeless person feels when they are seen hunting in a garbage can.  Ashamed for needing to eat.  In fact, I usually fall to pieces when I see a homeless person looking for food.  It is the same thing.  I am no different than the starving homeless person.  They are just a reflection of myself.  Seeing the shame in the homeless person is a reflection of the shame within myself.

Where did I get this shame, I asked myself?  How did I know to be ashamed of using food stamps?  I absorbed it from my mother.  She passed her shame onto me.  It was she that was ashamed which is why she oftentimes sent her children to buy the groceries, so she would not have to experience it herself. She dumped her emotions onto me and I absorbed them.  Not everyone who is on food stamps is ashamed of themselves.  If there would have been discussion about it in our house, that it was presented as not something to be embarrassed and ashamed about, then it would not have been as traumatizing.

Back to fear.   What fears did I have that were protecting this wound?  You know, the fears that say "do not go there, it will be painful."  I believe it is tied into survival needs.  Food and housing which are basic human needs and when my ability to survive is threatened, it is translated into being afraid.  So, for example, the loss of my home in foreclosure was creating all of this fear.  The fear was guarding this wound of being ashamed of myself for needing a house or food.  I have been identifying my being, my beautiful being, with the kind of house I live in. And if the house and food are gone, then there I am again, back to being an ashamed child.

I am working with owning everything I see on the outside as a reflection of myself.  Everything, EVERYTHING that is in my experience, I am creating from the inside.  If we embrace our fears, then the gift on the other side is the release of what it has been guarding.  After the release of a fear, then we will no longer need to create it on the outside in order to see it.  That's the plan, anyway......

The MUSTARD SEED

There is this intangible feeling that I am trying to wrap my arms around and pull out from inside of my being.  The mustard seed.  The seed that is buried deep, deep (did I mention deep) down.

This morning, I had a dream and it was about being robbed on the street.  There was no help around and my screams were met with complete silence.  The feeling was that of powerlessness, of not being able to do anything at all to help myself.  There was no one around to help me.  I had to surrender to the experience.  After being robbed (in my dream) there was this feeling that is difficult to describe.  Of having had something traumatic happen but no marks-no bruises, nothing on the outside for the world to see as evidence.

As I marinated in this feeling today, trying to make sense of it, I followed that feeling of powerlessness.  Where else in my life have I felt like this?  Of being a "victim" where something was stolen from me and then afterwards, it was as if nothing had happened.

My first sexual experience-I was 15 and he was 17 -my first love.  We had been making out in cars mostly and he was pushing to have sex.  I was not ready for intercourse.  I believe it was New Years Eve and there was drinking involved ( I had little experience with alcohol) and he coaxed me into this room full of other couples making out.  We were on a bed, my pants had been taken off and all of a sudden he was on top of me, with his penis inside of me.  It was very quick (and unfulfilling I might add) and he pulled out before he came inside of me.  And then it was over.  There was this feeling of trust I had for him as he always quit when I said no and he knew I had not changed my mind about being ready for sex.  He said he loved me.  And, yet, there I lie half naked on the bed, filled with desire only to be raped.  All that was left to do was to get dressed and walk out with the Queen song "Tie Your Mother Down" playing in the background.  Afterwards, there was no hand holding or loving embraces or expressions of love.  Nothing.  Silence.  We went on as if nothing had happened.  I was betrayed.

I can only imagine that this was the same feeling I had when my  biological mother left me at the age of one.  My step father's grandmother somehow cajoled my 19 year old mother into leaving me and my 6 week old sister to be raised by her.  From silenced relatives who didn't speak out until years later, there seems to have been subterfuge involved.  I was raised as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened.   Betrayal by my biological mother who was supposed to protect me and by my step grandmother who would emotionally abuse me.  Who, by the way, always told me how much she loved me while dispensing emotional abuse.

Yes, there is a pattern of betrayal throughout my life.  It has come in all kinds of packages.  All of them telling me they loved me while they betrayed me behind my back.  These two instances are probably the most significant as they occurred early to set the imprint.  The last betrayal was with my second husband.  We were married for only two years.  He ended up being one of those psychopaths.  The kind of person who totally deceives everyone around him.  He is one of those people who will probably end up on the news someday.  As psychopaths are want to do, I was destroyed financially not to mention my health.

The betrayal with a happy face came from my best friend who also happens to be my boss at work.  She was undermining me with people who reported into to me and others in the organization.  She took credit for my work with the higher ups and painted a picture of more than her fair share of importance.  All the while, telling me how much she loved and appreciated me and denying any wrongdoing when confronted.  Until she was caught, red handed and yet, still had the audacity to try and "spin" it.  Again, that feeling of you've just been punked - but we go on as if nothing has happened.

My husband of 20 years who is the father of my children abandoned me emotionally.  After the divorce and remarrying a year later, he decided he wasn't going to pay for our children's college and medical expenses.  This resulted in me having to sue him to honor the divorce agreement.  Needless to say, this was totally unexpected that he would abandon the kids financially.  He lost, of course, and we go on as if nothing happened.

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down


Before this dream, a few weeks ago, I had discovered that there is something called betrayal trauma.  Here is the definition:  Betrayal Trauma: The phrase "betrayal trauma" can be used to refer to a kind of trauma independent of the reaction to the trauma. From Freyd (2008): Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival signifi cantly violate that person ’ s trust or well - being: Childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver are examples of betrayal trauma.

Betrayal Trauma Theory: From Sivers, Schooler, & Freyd (2002): A theory that predicts that the degree to which a negative event represents a betrayal by a trusted needed other will influence the way in which that events is processed and remembered

This is what you call a core trauma.  It is the set up that occurs early in childhood and then is repeated over and over again until the person can see and heal it.  It finally becomes so ridiculous that you cannot NOT see it.  Since the initial trauma occurred at one year old, without conscious memory, it was a nasty little booger I could not get hold of.  It was like a mustard seed that was hidden deep inside of my being which until it bloomed, blended in with all the other bits and pieces of life.  

 It is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and put in his own garden. It grew, and became a large tree, and the birds of the sky lodged in its branches.”

 I believe this dream to be the releasing of my core trauma.  In order to heal, the feelings that are stored inside of the body, have to be felt.  The pain that was too difficult to feel at the time of the wounding will be felt as it is leaving.  Still, hard to describe this feeling of being hurt and then - I think it is like that of going numb or in shock.  Yes, a feeling of shock.  The shock absorbs the pain.  But yet, there is something intangible about the shock.  Maybe it is invalidation-that everything goes on and the pain is never validated or expressed.  If no one else recognizes the pain, then does it exist? Is it real if no one else admits to it?  Can I have my own feelings regardless of someone else's validation?  Can I feel?  Am I permitted to have my own feelings?  

This is where the fear lies for there are consequences to standing up for oneself.  Am I strong enough to weather the storm of owning my own feelings, of standing up to the possible anger and rejection?  Will you leave me if I express my feelings?  Best guess is yes, for the type of person I have been attracting to myself is not the type of person who is usually willing to own their own actions.  Here is the mirror:  I am not taking responsibility for my feelings and am attracting the same.  

What is the gift from all of this bull crap :) ?  Maybe it is to know, that what I am feeling and seeing is valid.  To not look on the outside for approval, validation, and acceptance.  To own my experience and to speak up about it.  If I am not honest about my feelings then  I am going to attract dishonest people.  To not let the fear of anger and rejection stop me from expressing myself.


This has been quite the journey.  As each betrayal presented itself, I learned from it.  It was like a spiral where it just goes around and around with each new betrayal experience being more difficult.  Until now, I have it by the throat-the roots and I am pulling this mutha out.

Betrayal trauma NO MORE!  Next........

ALL for LOVE

Something's been building inside of me for several days now.  A few nights ago, I had a dream that while I lie sleeping, I was surrounded and engulfed by this huge man who was hugging me.  There was a feeling of well being  associated with this encapsulated body hug and I can still see the picture of me lying there in bed spooning with a very large man.  The best I could come up with of who this man reminded me of was John Goodman-from the show Roseanne-he play Dan Conner (had to google it).  Just to be clear, I have never had any crush on John Goodman, Dan Conner or the Roseanne show for that matter.  But it is an interesting translation as I sit here at 5:00 a.m., having had another one of my spiritual epiphanies about an hour ago as I lie wide awake in bed sorting through my stuff.

After a strange surge of energy which had me going through old jewelry tonight and putting it in a bag for good-will (not to be confused with Goodman), I eventually became so tired that I decided not to  read as per my usual routine before going to sleep.  Once I settled into bed, I started sifting through some fears of mine that had crept in again.  And somewhere in there of all the back and forth from feeling fear to embracing my fear-back and forth, back and forth-feeling fear and embracing fear, in my mind-there then emerged this feeling in my solar plexus.  This feeling got stronger so that it became a  defined ball of feeling.  Then the download came, the knowing of what it has all been about.

LOVE

It has all been about LOVE.  My life, all the things I have done, I have done for love.  Love in terms of seeking love from others.  All I wanted, my entire life was to love and be loved.  I know this sounds cliche and the words hardly do the feeling justice.  I have never experienced the feeling of being loved - I came into this world to an 18 year old mother who abandoned me and was emotionally abused by the mother who raised me.  This is the set up I chose to be born into.  So, I did not even experience the love of a mother (but the opposite) which is about the closest thing you can get to unconditional love from the outside.  I had no father to love me either.

Today my daughter texted me to say that she is working on a new story-she is a writer.  This is her text:
Mom tells child "I'll love you no matter what". Child gets mad because she thinks that it is a ridiculous notion.  Then comes to realize the never ending love of a mother.

A correction-I never felt strong love until the birth of my first child.  Having children was the most precious gift I had ever received.  It changed me.  It filled a hole inside of me.  It was the closest thing to  unconditional love that I have ever experienced.

Yes, I had experienced romantic love with men.  I "loved" my husband.  However, I never seemed to get back emotionally what I put into the relationship.  I ended up being the one who gave their guts out emotionally and being taken for granted.  I over gave.  The more I gave, the less I got back.

Eventually this lead me to the ultimate relationship. The relationship where I gave it all, house, finances, health-everything I had, this man took.  If I had not been desperate for someone to love me, he would not have been able to manipulate and use it against me.  He was ruthless.

As I lie in my bed going through the rubble in my mind, I  asked, again,  to understand the wider picture.  I still thought there was a bigger reason that I was yet to see.

And that's when it all fell into place.  This feeling in my solar plexus grew and it felt like LOVE.  I focused on the feeling and began to smile on the inside and tell myself how much I loved me.  I told myself how amazing I am.  I told myself how incredible I am and that I have come so far.  I told myself, I love you, I love you, I love you, and I felt it.  I felt my love for myself.  This was very different than telling myself from my intellect that I love myself.  This was pure, raw feeling.

On this journey, we have all been told to love ourselves. I have even heard that it is the reason we are here.  And, I have thought that I loved myself.  Up until tonight when I experienced this LOVE from the inside out.

Something has been going through my mind this week-a quote I heard from Story Waters about "the courage to stand alone".  I didn't know why it appeared in my mind.  I have been alone for over 2 years now-really physically alone.  No romantic relationship and both kids away in college.  Serious soul searching has transpired in this time.  I could not have done it if I was not alone.  I embraced my alone-ness and let it envelop me.  I fell in love with myself over these 2 years.  All I had was focused on me (and paying tuition so those kids could stay away in college).

Strangely, over the past two days a children's book has come to mind that I used to read to my children.  The book's name is I Like Me by Nancy Carlson.  Here is a review of the book posted on amazon, ""Little ones in need of positive reinforcement will find it here. An exuberant pig proclaims "I like me!" She likes the way she looks, and all her activities....When she makes a mistake she picks herself up and tries again." --Booklist "Wonderful in its simplicity, here's a story that will help kids feel good about themselves." -- Boston GLobe.

In my mind, I caught myself saying to myself, "I like me, piggie".  I believe it is the very last page of the book.  The book which I have not read for over 15 years.

So, to tie a bow around all of this, I came to fall in LOVE with myself tonight.  And I now know, that the searching is over.  All of this time, I have been looking for me (piggie).  The love I was so desperately trying to get from others, I  give to myself.  It truly is an inside job.  I know the law of attraction was bringing me exactly what I was putting out-that I didn't love myself so that is what I was getting back.  To be dependent on anything outside of myself is exactly that, dependence.  I am a sovereign being.  I am God so I am everything.  I give to myself what I need.  I am dependent on no one.  Dobby is a Free Elf.

Then two songs came to mind.  First-I started singing All You Need is Love, by the Beetles.  Which seemed pretty apropos.  After the obvious song, I started getting the melody of a different song.  Here it is- and this one had me in tears as I felt the love flowing through me.

AT the GATES

For 29 years, I was on a normal trajectory of college, marriage and kids.  I remember  turning 30 and being presented with a version of myself I did not know existed.  Who was this SELF.  I started questioning.  All of my life, all of it, I had accepted the mass program.  Even though I never felt satisfied from life, I followed a path that lead to what I considered to be success.  Somehow I had transcended a life of near poverty, a life filled with deprivation of all basic needs. It was a life of bare minimum.  And somehow, I had made it to a good college and out of the hood.  There, I met a guy and we were married a week after I graduated.  He worked as a civil engineer and I as a therapist.  We bought a couple of houses before we had two children a girl  in 1989 and a boy 1991.  It was all dream like and there never seemed to be that many choices along the way.  There just didn't seem to be options to choose from.  

Out of what seemed to be nowhere'sville, things inside of me started to change.  Twenty years later, here I am.

I am at the Gates of Heaven.  I have brought mySELF here.  I have done everything I have known to do.  

JUDGEMENT.  I have worked on releasing all judgment-yes, it is still there and I am not sure if I will ever totally eradicate it but the desire for total release is there.  I will continue to look for it, acknowledge it and when I see it, look for what I am judging inside myself.  

CHOICE.  I know that I am choosing everything in this life.  Everything, without exception.  There are no accidents and no mistakes.  I have released victim consciousness.  I have started to understand the reasons that I went through some of my experiences and I am looking forward to an even wider understanding of past experience.  

FEAR. I consciously look for what creates fear in my life.  I walk into the fear.  I feel the fear and do it anyway.  

PERSPECTIVE. I know that thoughts create reality. You get what you focus upon.   I monitor my thoughts and change them if they are negative.  If there is a feeling which needs to be released, I do not deny it for fear of creating it.  I feel the feeling for it to be released.  Sometimes it may require that I delve into what seems like negativity but it is for the purpose of release.  

APPRECIATION. I know that the highest vibration is that of appreciation.  I look for things in my life to appreciate, daily.  I spent time in the morning and before bed to feel appreciation.  

BOUNDARIES. I set boundaries. I say no when I want to say no.  I do not over give to where I deplete my energies.  I put SELF first knowing if I am happy there is more to share.  The most important person to please is myself.  

COMPASSION. I remember that everyone is choosing their life experience.  I cannot save the world, nor does the world need saving.  I understand that as I have chosen painful experiences, so have others.  I honor and respect their choices.  This does not mean that I cannot help when I am called upon.  

HEALING. I understand that all healing must be requested and for the highest good of all.  Therefore, I do not mettle where I have not been asked to go.   

BRIDGING.  I do not remain quiet.  I will give my opinion from my own experience and perspective allowing others their perspective.  I can meet others at different rungs on the ladder and try to find a common meeting ground so as to create a bridge of understanding. I try to find things we have in common.  

WOUNDING.  I have found the mustard seed of my core level wounding of betrayal.  I see it played out throughout my entire life.  I will continue to search for and release any unknown remaining wounds but it feels as though this phase is complete.  

I have turned my life upside down and inside out.  All I can see to do is to practice these spiritual qualities.  There is no where else to go. If this is what is meant by being at the gates of heaven, then I am here.  I respectfully submit my name and sign into the book of life.  I ask for Grace.  

 

My life as "bohemian rhapsody"

Two days ago, on 8/7/2012 I could not feel anything but absolute dross and nothingness. When I emerged from bed that morning, I did my normal routine of feeding the cats, scooping the poo and having breakfast. (The poo was not my breakfast) Immediately, and I mean immediately I was belly up on the couch with a foggy heaviness of some sort of painful exhaustion that all I could do was close my eyes and hope that sleep came quickly. And it did, and I did this throughout the day, waking, eating and feeling a slow death of myself to where the only thing I could do was sleep. All I could do was surrender, nothing more, nothing less. Surrender.  A "sick day" for sure.

This was probably one of the worst energetic days I have ever experienced and that is saying a lot. Ever since the 11-11-11 I have been in a downward spiral of drowning into sleep and then coming up for a gasp of air (fake out) and then drowning. All I remember of this entire year is that I have been asleep-weekends are an amnesiatic blur with life consisting of eating, going to the bathroom, working, and sleeping.   An entire year-gone! Or so it seemed. Funny that in order to become awake, I had to sleep, a lot.

Yesterday was the 8-8 and known as the Lion's Gate and also coincided with Mercury going direct. Whatever, right? It was said to be a highly packed energetic punch to aid humankind in moving forward. After years of chronic fatigue syndrome with the added final 2012 blow of total despondency, I was not expecting much from the so-called promises of the 8-8. Well, never say never, I guess because yesterday, on the 8-8, somewhere in the evening, I started to get a surge of energy so much that I was able to haul arse into the hot yoga room after work.  Is it really too much to ask for, a little exercise? Now, I have had the fake outs before where I muster up just enough energy for some fun/exercise and then bammo, back on my back.

Imagine my surprise when I awoke today, like a normal person, I didn't have a sleep hangover and I got up. Ah, I remember this feeling, you just get up and feel good. How long has it been since I just got up and felt good? Dunno. Maybe once this year....maybe....probably not. But it was acute, the feeling was a carved out moment in time as I searched my inner self to see if I had somehow hijacked the wrong body or I had missed something and I really needed to go back to sleep. Nope. I got up and felt "normal". That normal feeling has continued all darn day. After work, I went out for dinner and grocery shopped and chatted with an African American Woman about raw organic honey in the health food store. I asked a patron where I dined  if she thought the sink had been recently replaced. Ha ha, she said she "didn't know".

I continued on with my evening and, get this, I am still going strong. As I sat down to watch a date night movie, Freddie Mercury's (remember, he went direct) Bohemian Rhapsody popped into my head. "Is this the real life? Is it just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. No escape from reality. Open your eyes. Look up to the skies and see. Which inspired me to plug in the Bose headphones and listen to the song. As I was listening, I heard and felt this song like I have never before. It became clear to me that this was about ascension, the spiritual journey of integrating spirit and human without physically dying. The opening of the song was akin to the beginning of the journey, say around 1991 or so. Where the questioning begins. God damn it, the questioning. After having my second child, and a "successful" marriage, Master's degree and full time professional job, I began to question. The seductive draw of the spirit. God damn it the siren seduction call of the spirit. But, in the beginning it is fun, it is easy, it is all love and light and then the releasing starts and the decision to release, what stays, what goes. This first verse is all about the beginning of the journey.

The second verse opens with, "Mama, just killed a man. Put a gun against his head. Pulled my trigger now he's dead. Mama, life had just begun. But now I've gone and thrown it all away." This is when it gets very very serious. Decisions are made by the spirit and the so-called perfect life is torn apart. Divorce. The ending of my 20 year marriage and as if that wasn't enough, things start to shake and everything else in my life had to stand the test of the light. And then more, what seems like bad decisions, a marriage to a nut job  my greatest spiritual teacher which challenges every aspect of my being. Divorce, again or shall we call it integrating a past life. Saving the best for last. No wonder. Lost my home, my savings. All the fear issues rise to the surface for release. Survival issues everywhere I turn. Get out by the grace of God.

And all of the body symptoms. "Too late, my time has come. Send shivers down my spine, body aching all the time."  Next up is the intense soul searching. Enter dark night of the soul, extreme, in 3-D only. Wrestling with the fears and embracing death. "Goodbye, everybody. I've got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth. Mama, oooh, I don't want to die. I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all." Contemplation of going HOME.

More confronting of the fear of death while dying by releasing everything inside of you. I see a little silhouetto of man. Scaramouch Scaramouch will you do the fandango? Ok, cowardly braggart-which is a bunch of new age crap pie throwing contest which offers no solace. And it is all so dramatic with "Thunderbolt and Lightening very very frightening me."  It really is fricking scary during the dark night of the soul. But somewhere in there, I became the observer so I knew it was terribly frightening but could also see the drama playing out. Vacillating between scared to death attachment and at other times, scared to death non-attachment.

The pleading of the grief cycle in operation. Kubler-Ross's 5 stages of grief. I awoke one morning not too long ago with the stages of grief on my mind. I had awoken out of a dream where I was trying to remember the so-called "order" of the stages. What was the last stage before surrender? It happened to be Depression. Ha, yup, that was me, severely depressed but also flirting with surrender. If you don't know, the stages of the grief cycle are written in this order but you can go back and forth between any and all of the stages before you finally surrender. It is the normal reaction to illness, death and loss. The stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I have gone through all of these stages over and over again as I was called to release everything inside and outside of me that did not resonate with the new me I was becoming. The next verse is all about the pleading and bargaining with the devil. "I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me. He's just a poor boy from a poor family. Spare him his life from this monstrosity. Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! no we will not let you go. Let him go. Bismillah! We will not let you go. Let me go." The fight for my soul. Wrestling with the darkness, the devil, making deals, trying to find a way out. Thinking I was there and trying to "convince" myself I was done. This is a fight. A fight between the old and the new and the spirit does not settle for anything other than authenticity. It will not stop until everything has been set free and released.

The beautiful, beautiful resurgence of the self. Somewhere in there, the rising up of the human with the divine. When you want something so badly, you will do anything for it. No matter what life threw at me, I was going to be ok. Whatever it took, I knew I had come so far and I was not going down. I was not stopping. I would have my awakening, enlightenment. So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye. So you think you can love me and leave me to die. Oh, baby, can't do this to me baby.
Just gotta get out. Just gotta get right outta here.

And then comes the complete surrender to spirit. "Ooh, yeah. Ooh yeah. Nothing really matters. Anyone can see. Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters to me. ANYWAY THE WIND BLOWS."  To know, without a doubt, that I am spirit. That we are one being. That I am safe. That I am a multi-dimensional being. To know who I am and to be be-coming more of my Self every day of my life. To be aware of mySelf. And to love mySelf. To look fear in the eye and say ok.

This was my journey. The Bohemian Rhapsody of my life. OOh, yeah. Ooh yeah. The individualism of the bohemian (as Wiki puts in) and the beauty and romance of life, rhapsody. As tears roll down my face tonight as I listen to this song, it is such a full and by full I mean this expanded feeling encompassing everything, in a feeling. Heart, soul, bullshit, all of it combined together for this fullness of feeling. It is really grabbing the brass ring.

Side bar: The song is 5:55 minutes long. Something everyone in the spiritual community knows as a master number meaning change. Really big changes. I'm going to call that a spiritual wink.

The Naked Healer

A couple of weeks ago, I had an appointment with an accomplished healer. I do not know how well known he is but he has been credited with helping a great number of people from around the world. He lives in Nevada City, CA but a local cranio-sacral therapist whom I have seen countless times. invited him here for several days after she had experienced what she felt was a miracle after seeing him. She was so taken with his abilities that she wanted to share his gifts with her family, friends and clients.

Sue, our local healer, is one of the people on this earth that has my complete trust. So when she told me the story about what she experienced with this man, I was in. As "luck" would have it, I had made what is now a rare appointment with Sue right after she had returned from seeing this healer. Cosme is his name-o. She offered me an appointment and I was to find out later that this was SRO-there were only so many appointments to be doled out due to the number of people wanting to see him versus how many slots there were available. She told me "you selected yourself" by contacting her at just the right time. I was given a choice of available times and I ended up with a 9 p.m. on Saturday night appointment. Who else would be psyched for a 9 p.m. Saturday appointment, but moi?

Saturday came rolling around and I didn't know what to do with myself as the time approached so I decided to leave around 8:30 p.m., knowing it would probably take me 15 minutes to get there. Once inside the building, Sue and her eldest son, Mark were sitting outside the treatment room and she looks at me and states, "oh, I forgot to call you, Cosme is running behind but you are welcome to stay or whatever you want to do". I looked around and figured I had nothing else going so I pulled up a chair and had an oatmeal raisin cookie and vitamin water. While we were conversing, this brown skinned, dark haired stocky man appears from the treatment room. Instantly, he is drawn to me and starts into a conversation about a psychiatrist/author he had worked with in the past. He had emerged from the treatment room because during his session he gives exercises to the patient and then leaves them for a couple of minutes. So this happened several times, Cosme comes out and engages me. I could tell by the conversation he was cueing in on me. He started with the psychiatrist chit chat and then onto words about "helping people". I asked Sue after he left if he knew I was a psychologist and she said he had asked her at one point to tell him about me (as he asked about the others) and she had tried to sort out my job to him-and summed it up by saying I worked at a hospital and help kids. She wasn't sure how much she told him about me but a brief summary. During one of the occasions he appeared, he started in on a story (there's always a story/metaphor) about how he was able to help this prominent psychiatrist so he could go out and help many more people. And I got chills up and down because he was cueing in on me and telling me this for a reason. I have helped a lot of people in my career, but I know it is about to get bigger.

Time came, over two hours after I had arrived for my appointment. To say he was running behind was an understatement. It was also strange that I sat there the entire time. I could have gone home as I live so close but felt I was to stay. The conversation before I even got into the treatment room had started my "healing".

When I got into the room, he got down to business. Outside of the treatment room he was all smiles and full of fun but his demeanor changed. He was more serious and focused. I signed a consent form and he went to work. He has a routine that he takes clients through and I got to experience the exercises while he left the room. He took me through a series of tests where he was looking at the chakras with some sort of divination rods telling me that all of them were closed except for the crown, which was 27% open. Somewhere during this routine I began to get bored and it seemed silly to me and at one point I grabbed the rods when he put them down and told him I wanted to "do him". Oh gawd, sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. He wasn't so fond of me taking his stuff and told me we were to focus on me and not him. Can't blame him and on we marched. Next I got on the massage table and he did a complete physical analysis. It was exactly what I needed. He cued in on my hormonal imbalance. Yes, I have been sick for several years with a low thyroid (hypo). He also told me I had a twist in my hips. I have been complaining to myself and anyone who will listen about my "twist". I have been doing Bikram Yoga trying to correct this twist. I could see it and feel it even though it wasn't something you could really see by looking at me. He also told me I was impulsive (not sure if he was getting me back for grabbing his divination rods) and that I was highly intelligent as he liked my mind. The main thing, though was that he said my chemistry is out of balance. YES. This is what I have been looking for as my physical vessel has not been able to keep up with my spiritual growth. I was in deep doo doo with my body. Too much stress and emotional crap along with peri-menopause has left me half dead. He started to go through all of the body parts and organs which were sick which started to pile up. I finally asked him "do you have anything good to say?". He said, well "I like your personality" and I laughed and said "well, when you're stooping to personality then that says it all" and I think I saw him smile.

Eventually we got to the healing part, the weird naked massage. You are given the choice of how much you want to disrobe but he tells you he works the best without the impediment of clothing. Sue had told me this before and I had been apprehensive about it but felt trusting of him and hell, what did I have to lose, really? So I got totally naked and he started his process by selecting certain music for the treatment. He then proceeded to do an odd massage where he dumped a lot of olive oil on you and then sort of played your body like it was an instrument to the music. At at few different points his hands started to vibrate rather strongly which was really interesting. Can't say I really felt woo woo'd out or anything like I usually do when I get body work.

I forgot to mention that this guy is from the line of healers of John of God in Brazil. He says he is guided by God during his healing and that he is the instrument through which God comes through. Cosme Castanieto was born in Hawaii of Filipino descent. There was one moment where he had pulled a Bible out and read a passage-have to say I sort of tuned out on that one but in retrospect wished I would have heard what he was saying. Was sort of expecting the bible to combust or something due to my disdain of it. I saw an interview by Dr. Wayne Dyer awhile ago where he claims he was healed of leukemia by John of God. It was the best thing I have every seen Wayne do and I have been looking for it. I had heard of John of God before but this interview lead me to explore the whole John of God phenomenon. I haven't been able to locate the interview as I had first gotten it from a link on facebook and could not find it through google. And what is really freaky is when I just now, July 28, 2012, googled "John of God" the Wayne Dyer interview popped up and it says it was download July 28, 2011. WHAT?

Well, this has gotten quite long. I'll end with I was in the session for 3 hours, he normally works no longer than 2 hours. Either he just couldn't get enough of this naked body or I was in need of a super session. He only charged me for 2 hours, god bless him. How am I doing? I am not quite yet sure as I have spent a large part of the last two weeks sleeping a lot. I am going to give it some time and then I'll write more. I do feel, however, that something miraculous happened.

Kiss and love to all on this journey.

I see you......Shame

After a night of insomnia, I got up and went on some sort of mini cleaning frenzy which only included using my beloved cordless Dyson until the battery ran out (around 10 minutes) and then scrubbing/bleaching my sink. When I was using the sprayer to rinse and the sponge/scrubber to sop up the water mess that had gotten itself outside the sink, I had to wipe around my knife holder and then I needed to pick up my knife holder as the water was encroaching around it. Some how, and this is weird, the way I picked up the Kapoosh Cutlery block allowed it to tip forward. My most expensive knife in the block, my beautiful Wusthof Grand Prix Chef knife, was out of the block about two inches. As I was holding the block by my pointer and thumb, the block fell forward and the knife cut my skin between my pointer and thumb, my web. It was just a nick but as per usual, any cut on the hand begins to bleed. I fumbled around looking for a good sized band-aid. After breaking into those fort knox wrappers and rejecting several based on their size, I finally found one large enough for my left web. I also admit that I was wrestling with thoughts of betrayal aimed at my Wusthof.

After the band-aid was secured, I kept thinking about how this injury seemed vaguely familiar. I then remembered a time when I was around 16 years old and working at a local steakhouse as a cashier. I was closing which meant one of the things I had to do was put the unused food away. As I was getting some saran wrap off of this massive gigantic restaurant sized spool, it slipped and when i went to catch it, the razor sharp, um, razor that tears the wrap, sliced my hand. As I sat staring at my hand to remember where the cut was by looking for the scar, my memory settled into that the current wounding is where the original cut happened and the scar is under the freshly applied band-aid.

I found this whole event extremely odd and started some questioning to see what the heck this was all about. It all seemed too coincidental and especially since the current cut was only a very slight nick. Well, and here is the good part, I started feeling into what I was feeling at that time. What had happened around 33 years ago is that when I sliced my hand, I started wrapping it in paper towels to try and stop the bleeding. I kept doing my job and can still remember taking the crocks out of the salad bar which was packed in ice back in the day and blood seeping out into the ice water which had melted. No matter what I did, I couldn't get the bleeding to stop. I think the manager finally noticed my hand and then called my mother. Why didn't I just ask for help? Drum roll please.........because I was ashamed that I had hurt myself. I felt ashamed.

As I took this feeling of shame into my heart, there was a quick acknowledgement by way of tears, very brief, but a release. Where did I acquire this shame from hurting myself, that some how I made a mistake and I was a bad person because I hurt myself? My guess is childhood as it fits into my theme of being raised to deny my own needs. So this little nick was a gift in that it allowed me to release shame I have been carrying around since pre-memory. So, thank you, my beloved Wusthof for you helped me release a wound I had no idea I was still carrying.

the only good cure is a shotgun

A common trait of a psychopath is that they tortured animals as children. So why the torturing of animals as children but not as adults? I believe that psychopaths start hurting animals because they are studying how the animal reacts to pain. It is a developmental stage taken to extreme. For example, it is a normal phase for toddlers to bite-they are just coming to separate themselves from others. When a toddler bites another being and the other being yells out in pain then there is a demarcation between beings, the toddler has felt the difference between themselves and the unsuspecting bitten person.

A budding young psychopath takes this stage to the next level and has discovered when torturing animals that there is a pain response. That pain response feeds the psychopath. It is emotional feeding. The power exercised over a helpless animal is just the stimulus reminder of the pain that is to follow. So, yes, they are looking for the control and power of the animal but it is the pain response they are after.

All growed up the psychopath needs a bigger feed. They progress to humans. They start hurting human beings in place of animals. They have learned to position themselves into places of power-think heads of corporations-leaders-people in charge of children- in someway where they have control over people. The control is just the means to the end. The control is to get the pain and the feed. And that is what they are doing. Feeding on the emotions-the pain, despair and misery they inflict. They gobble this up like food for they are starving. Since they only feel shallow emotions, this is the way they feel emotion.

Without emotion you are dead to the world. Emotion is why we do anything we do, for how it makes us feel. Can you imagine not feeling other than anger or shallow resemblances of joy? Dead. They are dead and this is why nothing stops them. They are like zombies-incurable.

One of the few things I remember from grad school is a professor who said "the only good cure for a psychopath is a shotgun". I had no idea at the age of 27 what he meant as I had never considered psychopaths before. I do now.

Once in a lifetime

The venus transit is reported to occur once in a person's lifetime. It comes in pairs-two of them, separated by several years-this is my primitive understanding. I believe I read that the last venus transit was on June 8, 2004 coupled with it's mate June 5-6, 2012.

I don't remember the one in 2004. I do remember that around that time is when I left a 20 year marriage. Twas the hardest thing I had done in my life at that time. Notice I said at that time because I thought that I was done It was so difficult that I couldn't imagine having any more life challenges. It took me a few years to get back on my emotional feet again and then my life spiraled and I do mean spiraled into something in which I am just now freeing myself. Here at the time of the closing of the gates, the 2nd transit.

Note to self next go around: Do not ask for enlightenment before the venus transit....or do, if you really want it. You have to REALLY want it to survive it. And I did want it, with all of my heart and soul, it is what I wanted. It was a call so loud to me that all I could do was follow. And it didn't make sense.

On the day of the transit, June 5, I was juiced up, in good spirits and feeling pretty energetic (which has been rare since the 11-11-11). On June 6, I was feeling extremely floaty or ungrounded and tired. Sleeping most of the day. Then on June 7, I slept the entire day. I went from bed to couch and back to bed. Couldn't move. I was glued prone and I was glued supine, and then on my side, too. It was like a magnet had me. I was transfixed.

It reminded me of the birth of my son. I had an epidural which didn't take all the way. When he came down the birth canal, I could feel it. He got stuck and I couldn't feel enough to push him out. This went on for several hours. I remember thinking "I can't do this, I'm done". He would get partially out and then disappear again. That feeling of total surrender will never leave me. I was baked. The physician was called and he used suction to deliver my son. This is how I felt after the venus transit and knowing the solstice is bearing down on me. I was done, totally.

And then somewhere in the middle of June 8, it all lifted. I got excited, very excited. My energy shifted. I know I can make it, I can do it. This transfiguration is coming to a close with the Solstice. I can only imagine what that will be like but I am pretty sure, I'll survive.

No wonder you only get one venus transit in a lifetime. It really really really sucks. And now it all starts to make sense.

PURPOSE

I have been struggling with my purpose ever since my birth. What am I here to do? Is it one particular thing? What is my passion? Do I have a passion? Did I miss out on my passion by making different choices which lead me to "miss" my passion? What brings me joy? Why am I so bored in life? Why do some people know their passion and others do not?

I believe a big part of life is asking the right questions. I also believe that all questions are answered. Kind of like belief in prayers to Christians however this is more defined and does not come from a place of subjugation or pleading for help without owning it. When you ask questions, you are doing your part by honing in on what you want to know. When you know what you want to know then you can more easily direct your thought and action towards it in place of waiting for a miracle or rescue or savior. There is more ownership in the process. Don't get my wrong, I am also subject to those times of desperation and have sent out many a plea of "why hast thou forsaken me?", send help, now.

I remember a girl in high school who knew from the very beginning of time that she wanted to be an airline stewardess. Back then (yes, before the wheel) it was more of a prominent position in society. Anyway, she had a plan and that was to go to college for a couple of years and then apply for the job. Apparently, back then (yes, before dirt) you had a better chance of getting the job if you had some college. Not a degree, mind you, (God forbid a women have a degree and get all feisty) but a couple of years. This girl was a smart girl and in the top of our class. She was beautiful, smart and trim. She took some modeling and ballet for the sake of having it on her resume. I saw her at a high school reunion and she had indeed become an airline stewardess. She was married to a handsome man whom she had met on a flight. It all seemed so perfect to me. This one was never struggling with what she wanted to be in life. She knew. Just knew. I have always remembered her because it was such a contrast to myself. I have never known, never. I have been bumbling around for 49 years (yes, I imagine myself to be a bumbling infant as well) trying to find what the heck I am here to do.

There are other fine examples in this world of people doing what they are born to do. Does that mean we are all born to do something I have wondered? I mean, we are all individuals, billions of us, but all unique so it stands to reason that we all come with different plans. You have to admit, though, that there is nothing like seeing someone in their passion. Just check out Bono or a professional athlete.

Back to me. I have always been able to keep up with just about any school of thought. I understand things quickly and so it was wide open as to having courses of study in which to choose. There were a few exceptions, I know rocket scientist was a definite no as I knew limitations to my intelligence.

I bumbled around in college, first a pre-med student only to find out you had to attend class and those classes were always at 8:00 a.m. and included the lab bonus. I found I really enjoyed the people aspect of college. It wasn't so much the parties but the getting to know people and their various backgrounds. It was always a multi-cultural bonus to me if I was able to befriend someone of a different race. When I say I enjoyed the social aspect of college, which usually defers to getting drunk,it is not what I mean. So I became a psychology major with a minor in theatre. This educational background led to what would be my career of over 15 years in working as a therapist-I was a natural but never really enjoyed it. It did not make me sing "It's A Beautiful Day" while sporting really cool eyewear. I was the best, though at what I did.

I experienced a career change and the next 13 years were spent in the business side of things and then working my way into management. Still, no purpose. Still, no joy. Still, immense boredom. Even in the midst of incredible stress and drama in my life, bored stiff.

Something very interesting has developed in my life. It is unexpected. The one thing I thought I did not want to do seems to be shimmering in the light. All of it, the past of almost 30 years is all starting to come together. I am starting to get some indication of where I am headed and how it all fits. Why it had to be done the way it was done in those different pieces is starting to make sense. Sort of like a piece of artwork, that has several layers to it, or a big ass stupid puzzle that you put together blind and only by feeling the pieces.

I am a little stunned by the whole thing and still uncertain because I feel like there are still pieces missing but enough of it is in place where the picture is starting to emerge. It's a work of art for sure-had it been dogs playing poker, I would have caught on a lot sooner when I saw the dogs faces or cards.

I am excited but at the same time cautious as I don't want to be disappointed. It has been a long haul to get here. What's funny is it is something I have been in resistance to. Hopefully, I'll find out why I filled out the long form when it comes to passion. There has to be a good reason because I filled out that long form and I chose it for a reason. If I know myself, it will be an amazing well planned surprise and well worth it. There has to be a pony in here somewhere, right?

What is it? What is your purpose? that will come in part dos

PEACE BE WITH YOU

A facebook friend said Peace be with you, to me, the other day and it had a surprise affect on me. It reminded me of attending Catholic mass. In the mass, almost at the end of it, the priest says "Peace be with you" and the crowd murmurs "and also with you". The priest says something else and then the attendees start shaking each others hands and saying "peace be with you" to one another. First, they handshake the people in their immediate vicinity, sometimes offering a kiss to a loved one. Then, they extend their "peace" to people behind them, in front of and diagonal to them.

I DREADED this in the mass. I wanted to just hide, but oh no, without fail, there they were glad handing you. It felt so awful. On the surface, it would seem that this would be a fun time to extend a good word to your neighbor but it never felt fun to me. Maybe it was just all too fake. Not sure. I just know I hated it, every single time, without fail. The relief I felt when it was over was constant. This also marked the almost end of the service so it meant freedom to me and after suffering through the "peacing" a rush of excitement for the rush to the door insued. My obligation over.

I was baptized catholic as an infant by my biological mother and so the catholics "claimed" me. I was raised by a step grandmother who was not catholic nor espoused any beliefs or practice in religion (none I can remember). I remember attending different denominational churches with friends throughout my childhood and adolescence. I even rode a bus to a baptist church during the grade school years, often times, by myself. I had a draw towards god, I guess. I don't think it was taught to me. It was an inward seeking that I had since I was young. The church did instill fear and guilt as to what was right and wrong and for not attending.

In college I abandoned attending any church. I went on to gain great satisfaction from long distance running. It was a form of meditating for me and I often found great peace in running and a connection to my inner wisdom. Then I learned to meditate with a mantra and loved it. Too much really, for I could spend hours meditating-in which I was probably using it to escape from life.

From meditating to a real soul searching where I started to read and devour many books written on the broader subject of spirituality. This opened up so many doors and I enjoyed my dive into the spiritual arts. It was a grand time and I felt such passion to learn and absorb anything which resonated. It felt wonderful to expand my beliefs and grow in my connection and understanding of Source.

I have a deep connection to Source. I have always had a deep connection to Source. "Something" has always guided me. Having a childhood which was bathed in religion and different denominational churches has given me a unique perspective. I have a understanding of what churches teach. I don't remember who said it but a quote I like is one that said "to be born in a church is good but to die in one is not" - something to that effect.

I cannot believe how many people have not grown out of their church. It is hard for me to understand how grown adults can believe in the devil,hell or sin. They will defend their views until the day they die. They will also kill for their ideals. It's shocking at how closed minded about the subject they are and not questioning any of what they have been taught.

I am not an atheist, but I love them. I love them because they make me think. I love their logic and their questioning. A lot of the questioning is pointed directly at church dogma and I particularly love that part. There is a lot of truth to what they say. Atheists, don't usually, use their non belief in god to affect other peoples lives though. As opposed to christians who try and regulate their belief into everything and anything that isn't any of their business. From homosexuality to prayer in schools, to abortion-just this crusade to cram their beliefs down other people throats. I say live your own life. Leave other people out of it. Clean up your own life. Adopt a child (you won't). Quit being judgemental (no way Jose). Be honest with yourself and quit projecting all of your fears and dark aspects of yourself onto others (that's a good one). You see, that is what spirituality is, taking a good look at yourself, the light and the dark parts and loving yourself. Really loving yourself back together. Diving into my fears, shame, guilt, and judgements has changed me forever. It has been an ever continuing process that has taken me into the depths of my being. Taking responsibility for everything, and I mean everything, no exceptions, in my life-knowing it is there because I chose it is difficult but it is a knowing that it is true to me. And with this knowing, it opens up such possibility.

Not sure why I have chosen the path that I have regarding religion and spirituality. I am certain there is a reason for it that maybe I can be a bridge for people looking for something else. That perhaps they have gone as far as they can in their religion or church and when that crisis happens, and they are looking for something else, something deeper, wider, that I may be of assistance. I don't care one way or the other. I am good with allowing everyone their own god space. I am on no mission. That is so arrogant and judgemental. Those missionaries are the worst. Offering to save people from starvation by giving them food with the small print of cramming their god down starving people's throats. How about just feeding them and giving them medication with no other agenda. Missionaries with this agenda can all go to hell in my book-haha.