Everything has been coming up "mother" lately. I thought I was through with "mommy, don't leave me stuff" but there seems to be more stuff coming up for release. Not so much in a painful way but more of a recognition for release- if that makes any sense.
I had two "mothers" and both died in 2012. Let me explain. My 18 year old biological mother was pregnant with me when she married a man who was not my father. When I was one year old, I was given or taken (or a combination of both) to this man's mother, along with my 6 week old half sister, to raise. This woman was emotionally abusive and I was a modern day Cinderella (no prince, no fairy godmother, no dress). I did, however, have a lot of cats.
I had made my peace with my only mother of memory several years ago. The relationship was almost non existent and was only maintained by guilt. So, I consciously ended it. It felt good. There had not been contact for around 3 or 4 years when she died early in 2012. I attended the funeral and went as an adult who had made peace with this part of her life. It was very healing for me. I had trusted myself to end the relationship and it was the right decision for me.
A year before the death of the woman who raised me, my sister found our biological mother. She had been searching all her adult life for her and found her. She had died nine months earlier in July, 2010.
People losing their mothers has come into my experience of late. I know what it must be like to be loved so completely by a mother because that is how I feel about my own children. Not only did I miss out on the experience of unconditional mother love but what I got was even worse. Lack of love was nothing compared to abuse piled on top of lack of love and support. I would have just taken the no love and ran with it instead of the one-two punch.
So, I lost a mother for two years in a row. Even though I had cut ties with one and the other one, I had no conscious memory, it was a loss. What has come up for me of late has been a recognition of all that I took on. The choice to start my life out this way was a very difficult experience. I mourned the fact that I never experienced what it feels like to be loved No wonder I poured all of my energy into looking for someone to love me. I now know that the love I so desperately sought, I can give to myself. Still, what it must feel like to be so completely loved.
I bought my first cast iron skillet. When I seasoned it, it reminded me of the pans my grandmother-mother used. She used cast iron all of the time. It occurred to me she never taught me one thing about cooking. Nothing and she was a proficient cook. Not in a gourmet kind of way but a "country" way where everything was fried. One of the few skills she had and she never brought my sister and I into the kitchen to help with dinner. I am looking at this cast iron skillet and I can see her pans on her stove cooking fried potatoes. Today, I am reading up on cast iron because I had no knowledge of using it for cooking.
I was watching a you tube presentation on seasoning cast iron and the presenter says "welcome to love starts in the kitchen." There is this connection between our mothers and food. Now as an adult, it is up to me to love myself through preparing healthy meals for myself. I can nurture and love myself this way.
Since the first of the year, I have made a conscious effort to change my diet. I think there is a link here between handing over the reins to myself for being my own mother and changing the food imprint I received from childhood. I have been nurturing myself with good organic live food. On the one hand, food is not love but it can be. There is immense love in food in that it nourishes our bodies. Loving myself now includes starting in the kitchen.
I like this one a lot
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