30 Pieces of Silver

No one comes to this earth perfect for there would be no reason to come to earth. We are each divinely perfectly imperfect, for a reason. We are here in joy, yes, but the joy is in our creations, in what we come up with, so to speak, based on our imperfect combinations. We all have pieces missing on purpose, blind spots, because without these missing pieces we would all be the same, just like from whence we came. Of course, that being source. We all came from source and source is perfect. So we are perfect because we came form source. But, we live in the illusion of earth where we are not perfect. See how perfect all of this? This enables us to play the game.

The game I have been playing is that of the biblical story of Judas and Jesus. As I remember from my God fearing days as a child, Judas sold Jesus for 12, no wait-I have to google-30 pieces of silver. This is the ultimate betrayal. He sells the son of god for a bit of money. There are different versions and reasons cited for this, as this is the bible after all, but the main point being that it is betrayal. But who betrayed whom?

Judas betrayed himself and Jesus self sacrificed himself, that is the point. It is the same, betrayal.

One of my survival skills in life, coming from abandonment and abuse, was that the only way I could get even a smidgen of my needs met, was to give. If I wanted food, shelter, and the mecca of all the needs, love, I had to give something. Giving meaning my energy. Giving energy comes in many forms. Everything is energy says Einstein. Obvious forms of energy in terms of giving are physical things. Here's some food, shelter, clothes, and money. The not as obvious forms of energy are attention, love, sexual gratifications, those of the emotional world. Doing what the other person wants, pleasing others.

I learned how to please others on many levels. I am the best. Lots of people in my life, let's call them master manipulators and some even perpetrators, I attracted into my life. Being highly empathic, really contributed to the ability to read others and give them what they wanted. Of course, this was not conscious for most of the years of my life. I have been consciously working with it for the last 8 years or so. It is a part of the martyr energy of the jesus christ story. Was Jesus not the martyr as he died to save the world? How do you save the world by dying? Yes, this is what I was doing. I was dying. I had given bits and pieces of myself to many people. Some manipulated it out of me and some just took it when I said no. And some, a combination of both. Some was willing. It wasn't that easy to see because I did set up boundaries and said no when I saw what was going on, but it went much deeper than that.

I had a belief that to give was better than to receive. I have learned that giving is not better than receiving as the well has to have a source of water. If I keep dipping into the well over and over again and it doesn't rain or something is preventing the water from seeping into the well, then the well runs dry. In order for the well to continue to have water, then it has to be filled. I was not filling my well and it ran dry. It ran dry, people. I have learned that there is no endlessness to the waters if I do not fill it myself. If I fill my well first, then I have plenty to share.

I am jesus and I am judas. I am jesus as I gave and gave and gave, and sacrificed myself. I am judas as I betrayed myself for 30 pieces of silver, actually I betrayed myself for a lot less. When I gave more of my energy to others than giving to myself or giving a piece of myself for the hope of some love in return, I betrayed myself.

Thanks a lot jesus and judas, that really sucked. I'll be having no more of that in life as I see it clearly now. I reclaim all of the pieces of silver I have given away. I call them back to myself. Thank you to all for pretending to own them, but they are mine and no one can ever take anything away from another being. I love my pieces. I forgive myself for giving them away and forgive those who took them. I am healing the judas/jesus polarity inside myself. I collapse the polarity. My well runs full and free. I drink first and have plenty to share. I am saved because I saved myself.