Retarded Empath

This morning was one of those half in and half out realities as I was semi conscious but still somewhat dream like. What came to me was a discussion in my head about empathy. I am an empath, a seriously retarded empath. It has been my journey to understand where I stop and others begin. How would I know that this was not the way it was for everyone for I can only have my experience (while having others experiences because I can feel them). But, if you follow me, this state of non definition of self lends itself as my experience. Even though I can actually feel into others experiences and feelings, it is coming from my point of perception. It is all me baby. Probably the closest way to get to experience another is to have this "skill set". Most people cannot do this. Most can imagine how others feel or relate to others because they have had the same experience. The same experience is never the same experience, however, because it of the uniqueness of the point of perception. Insert snowflake analogy here.

As with everything on this earth plane, everything has it's "good" side and everything has it's so called "bad" side. When you slide the dial toward one end of the polar opposite it changes the quality. We are all just a bunch of slide bars of qualities. Even a hardened quality such as male and female contains this dial. Look at how some women can appear more male like and vice versa. I say please just don't give me the mustache :)

Back to being an empath. What you get is the ability for extreme compassion. Abilities to understand people, which can aid in communication, right? Except the down side to all of this chummy chum chum is that when I know how someone else is going to react and I feel that reaction very deeply, it can affect how I communicate. Fear of reaction because I can feel how the other person is feeling. Ok, joy is usually not the reaction which causes fear. It is usually anger, hurt, rejection, these reactions which come back at me and I feel them. Other people don't know ahead of time what the reaction will be and if they do, they certainly don't internalize it as their own emotions. Other people do not feel the other person so deeply that their hurt and anger feels like your own.

When you can feel that your mother is angry, upset, or hurting as a child, what do you do? You ignore your own needs, that is what you do. You do not bother your mother, even though it is her "job" to nurture and care for you by putting aside her own needs for awhile. No, you begin to believe that your needs do not matter. There are master manipulators out there who take advantage of empaths, like myself. They read the person and then start emotionally manipulating them. For example, I had a two year marriage to a psychopath. Obviously, didn't know it at the time. This person was the exact opposite of myself. Psychopaths cannot feel empathy. Everything is focused on themselves. The world revolves around them and they will take what they want no matter who gets hurt. What a perfect match up. A psychopath and an empath. If you know anything about psychopaths, you understand that these are the folks who will stop at nothing to get what they want. They do not hesitate to lie, manipulate and steal all the while charming you to death. The first thing they do is create a bond with you. They make you believe they are like you. Then they scan you for what they deem weaknesses and use them against you. The psychopath and the empath, two polar opposites. This was the last learning experience I needed in order to find myself. I made hay and did it.

What I saw and felt this morning is that the first half of my life had to do with feeling the difference between myself and others. Knowing the difference. Knowing where I stop and other people begin. For this retarded empath is about to become even more retarded. For with great gifts come great responsibility. I am not going back to center on this. I am learning to keep my balance between myself and others while going even deeper into empath city. My abilities to feel into people are going to increase. The more I can find my balance, the more I can feel into others and the more I can offer the gift I have been given. Not sure where this is all leading, but I am pretty sure it is going in this direction. Finally, getting some glimpse of why I went through that horrible psychopath experience. Never judge anything, right? Now, back to working on trusting myself even deeper to bring me exactly what I need, even when it hurts.